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Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category

Smoke rises from the ruins of Unamusement Park’s recently exploded main Hate Laboratory, illuminated only by a merrily crackling blue-green chemical fire.

MUFFLED VOICE: Ow.

Something stirs beneath the large pile of smoldering rubble in the center of the room. A hand emerges from the top, then another, and finally a head. They belong to UNAMUSED, who is slightly singed. He waves.

UNAMUSED: Hello there. Welcome! You’re just in time for the party.

A ceiling tile falls on his head.

UNAMUSED: Yes, watch out for that. This place is such a mess. I’m going to have a word with the cleaning staff. Really quite irresponsible of them —

PETULANT YET SULTRY VOICE WITH FRENCH ACCENT: Zat is a big fat lie and you know it!

Enter GRATUITOUS FRENCH GIRL.

Very gratuitous and extremely French.

UNAMUSED: G.F.G., I thought I told you to wait in the Slut Observatory!

GRATUITOUS FRENCH GIRL: Ze sluts are out of control! Zey keep taking zeir clothes off and bouncing up and down and licking my ear. And spanking zem is not helping! Zey simply will not let me eat my strawberry croissant in peace.

UNAMUSED: … Why?

GRATUITOUS FRENCH GIRL: Zey demand zat I teach zem my special secret French sexy thing! Ze one zat is to regular sex what regular sex is to hammering nails into your face —

UNAMUSED: I recall.

GRATUITOUS FRENCH GIRL: — but I cannot. Zey are too slutty.

UNAMUSED: Fine, then help me — wait, how can they be too slutty to learn your special — never mind, I don’t care. Dig me out of here.

GRATUITOUS FRENCH GIRL: Ha HA! Ze tables have turned. Ze hourglass has run out. What was once yours is now mine. And zis time… it is personal.

UNAMUSED: How many croissants have you eaten today?

GRATUITOUS FRENCH GIRL: Seven. And now zat you are buried up to ze neck in debris, I shall help myself to even more of your delicious croissants while your visitors enjoy zis video, taken by your own security camera not ten minutes ago, which will show exactly who is responsible for zis cataclysmic catastrophe!

She approaches the projector with a tape.

The main Hate Laboratory is chock full of security cameras. It takes three to five shots to destroy one.

UNAMUSED: Stop that! Get away from there! That screen is for retrospective slideshows only, not your tomfoolery!

Still buried up to ze neck — I mean, the neck — in debris, UNAMUSED grasps ineffectually at GRATUITOUS FRENCH GIRL, standing ten feet away.

GRATUITOUS FRENCH GIRL: First of all, you silly goose, I have never fooled around wiz anyone named Tom. And second of all — hm. How do I make ze movie play?

UNAMUSED: Push the big green button with the sideways triangle on it.

GRATUITOUS FRENCH GIRL: Ah yes, I see. Hm hm hmmm… how I love croissants…

The lights go out. The curtain rises. The security tape begins…

UNAMUSED: Ladies and gentlemen! Welcome to — excuse me, sir? Did you not see the sign?

He points to the large, neon yellow sign by the door: “No Blacks or Mexicans allowed.”

UNAMUSED: So if you’d just — yes, right through that door. Thank you.

The non-Asian minorities shuffle out. The average IQ of the room jumps 15 points.

UNAMUSED: Ladies and gentlemen! Welcome to Unamusement Park’s four-month anniversary hate-tacular!

Fireworks burst overhead, slightly singing everyone in the room.

Oooh, pretty. What do you mean, it's not safe to set off fireworks indoors?

UNAMUSED: What progress we have made, these past four months! Our little acorn of race realism has blossomed into a tall oak tree of white separatism. The oak, as we all know, is the most racist of trees.

GRATUITOUS FRENCH GIRL: I do not believe zat is true. I think you just make up all zese silly things.

UNAMUSED: Aren’t you supposed to be helping yourself to my delicious croissants?

GRATUITOUS FRENCH GIRL: Zey are warming in ze microwave.

UNAMUSED: Quiet, please. To commemorate the occasion, I’ve prepared something a little different. Something even more exciting than our orphanage-igniting two-month anniversary spectacular (aka International Call-a-Random-Black-Person-“Nigger” Day). Something even more stimulating than our slut-tastic hate-erosexual three-month anniversary slut-tacular (aka International Touch-a-Sleeping-Girl’s-Boobs Day).

Please enjoy this brief retrospective slideshow while I make the necessary preparations. Lights!

The lights go out. The curtain rises. The retrospective slideshow begins…

PETULANT YET SULTRY ANNOUNCER WITH SUSPICIOUSLY FAMILIAR FRENCH ACCENT: Today ze Internet’s #1 source for race realism, white separatism, gratuitous French girls, and kitty cats, turns four months old! Huzzah! Here are some of ze good times we’ve shared and fond memories we’ve made together, you silly gooses.

UNAMUSED:

  • April 25: What makes “nigger” so interesting is that, decades after the extinction of the widespread white racism that weaponized it, the word — like a Cold War-era hydrogen bomb buried under the New Mexico desert — is just as lethally radioactive as ever. So let’s dig it up and play with it!
  • April 26: Running out of “nigger” references, I widened my search for racial slurs to include comparisons of black people to animals, especially lower apes. It’s time for Unamusement Park to chimp out!
  • April 27: It is, in fact, possible to behave like a wild animal, a missing link (between ape and man), or a sub-human primate, just like it is possible to behave like an emu or a jar of strawberry jam. Just ask a mime — not that you’ll get much of an answer.

GRATUITOUS FRENCH GIRL: Are you watching a movie about delicious croissants?

UNAMUSED: What? No. It’s a retrospective slideshow.

GRATUITOUS FRENCH GIRL: Sometimes I like to put strawberry jam on my croissant.

Sometimes she likes to put it on her croissant.

UNAMUSED distractedly pours a beaker of foaming green liquid into a beaker of bubbling yellow liquid.

UNAMUSED: Aren’t you supposed to be downstairs in the Slut Observatory? You know, observing the sluts?

GRATUITOUS FRENCH GIRL: Zey keep trying to lick me. I think perhaps zey are too slutty.

UNAMUSED: There is no such thing. Look, I just need you to stay out and not distract me until the slideshow is over. If the sluts get out of line, give them a good spanking.

GRATUITOUS FRENCH GIRL: You are so very mean. You knew exactly what would happen when I spanked zem.

UNAMUSED: You’re back. Let me guess. You’ve finished the croissants, and now you’ve decided to annoy me.

GRATUITOUS FRENCH GIRL: No! … I came to ask you where is ze strawberry jam again.

UNAMUSED: You put the last of it on your seventh croissant, but I think there’s some chocolate syrup in the fridge.

GRATUITOUS FRENCH GIRL: Huzzah!

UNAMUSED: Wait! Come back! I need you to describe the spanking! For… scientific purposes!

UNAMUSED:

  • April 29: Let me be very clear, Baratunde: this is what it sounds like when a white man, who was handed everything, calls the President of the United States (and you) a nigger: “Hey, Barack Hussein Soetoro — I mean, Obama. Hey, Baratunde Rafiq Thurston. You’re niggers. Now go the fuck back to Kenya.”
  • April 30: Well, it turns out black people are more likely to abuse their children than white people. And guess what, it’s not because white people working for Child Protective Services just hate all dark-skinned people so much, they don’t care if they beat and molest their kids! Because that was everyone’s first guess.

GRATUITOUS FRENCH GIRL: Is ze movie over yet?

UNAMUSED: No! Nor are my preparations complete!

UNAMUSED spills some frothing purple liquid on his secret lab notes, which begin to dissolve.

Preparations incomplete: liquid still green.

GRATUITOUS FRENCH GIRL: Where is ze strawberry jam, anyway?

UNAMUSED: Kitchen cabinet. Don’t eat it all.

GRATUITOUS FRENCH GIRL: I shall have ze grandest croissant in all ze land! Huzzah!

UNAMUSED:

  • May 2: Starlette “Don’t Call Me Black” McNeill of the Daily Race has stumbled across Unamusement Park’s secret hate laboratory in the course of her spiritual pilgrimage/intrepid sleuthing, just like in that Nancy Drew book. You know, Nancy Drew and the Secret of White Racial Consciousness?
  • May 3: Our boron supply lines are too important to the war with Neptune to trust a space-Negro with! Put them to work in the Orbital Laser Testing Range.
  • GRATUITOUS FRENCH GIRL: Ze sluts have used up all ze chocolate syrup! Zey are not even putting it on croissants! Zey are just rolling around in it and pouring it all over zeir naked bodies and licking it off one another!

    UNAMUSED: If you dig me out right now, I’ll give you fifty croissants.

    GRATUITOUS FRENCH GIRL: I shall be ze Queen of Croissants! Huzzah!

    UNAMUSED:

    • May 7: Well, Dave “Magical Negroes” Lindorff, don’t forget to roll up your car windows when you roll through the “bad” part of town — you wouldn’t want to get carjacked by one of those lovable kids. And next time you indulge in one of your teenage black fantasies, remember to wipe up after you blow your load of white guilt all over the keyboard.
    • May 8: Two questions occur: why do poor black people insist on ruining America in every conceivable way? And if all the white people moved out of Philadelphia, which they probably should, how long until the city succumbs to barbarism, like our very own backyard Liberia?
    • May 9: Unamusement Park is a labor of love. And hate. So much hate. So give me money.

    GRATUITOUS FRENCH GIRL: Ze sluts would like to know if zey may have ze chocolate syrup bottle. Zey will not tell me what for.

    Who knows what they want with it?

    UNAMUSED: Fine, whatever. Stop interrupting my retrospective slideshow.

    UNAMUSED uncertainly shakes a vial of orange and blue crystals.

    UNAMUSED:

    • May 10: A Thoughtful Analysis of Racial Discombobulation — a TARDis, if you will. (It’s blacker on the inside.) After all, this is what “anti-racists” keep telling me I should do: imagine what discrimination feels like from a different perspective; put myself in a black person’s shoes, and try to — hey, these are my shoes.
    • May 11: If I had to give a parsimonious explanation for the behavior of ghetto black teenagers, I would suggest that most of them do what they do because they want to do it. They want to do drugs, sleep around, collect welfare checks, and riot in the streets. Call it a “lifestyle choice,” if you like.
    • May 12: Black people attacking white people: grrr, bad! White people ignoring black people attacking white people: YOU F#@%*^$ IDIOT A*#%^!&@, LOOK WHAT THEY’RE DOING TO US etc.

    GRATUITOUS FRENCH GIRL: Do you like me, Mr. Unamusement Park? Because you do not seem to appreciate all ze wonderful things I do for you. And now I hear you like black people too…

    UNAMUSED: First of all, my name isn’t “Mr. Unamusement Park.” That’s not even my fake name. Second, I don’t really like black people; I’m just able to tolerate one or two of them. And yes, Gratuitous French Girl, I am awfully fond of you, and I appreciate all the wonderful things you do for me. Like digging me out of large piles of smoldering rubble, for instance. Speaking of which, can you hurry it up? I think I see another ceiling tile coming loose…

    GRATUITOUS FRENCH GIRL: It is difficult to dig in zis French maid outfit.

    UNAMUSED: Technically, for you, it’s just a maid outfit.

    UNAMUSED:

    • May 14: Beading? Why, that’s no different from taking your sweetheart to the sock hop! Except she’s twelve years old, she’s your cousin, and when you pin a corsage on her, you’re reserving the right to have sex with her, whether she wants to or not.
    • May 15: Jared Taylor has written a new book, “White Identity: Racial Consciousness in the 21st Century.” Buy it. Read it. Make all your friends read it. Get new friends.
    • May 17: It occurred to me that should you choose the path of compassionate reactionism and take this conversation off the Internet, it might help to have a few relevant fact sheets written by someone else, on whom the liberal rage and malice and cries of racism can be dumped, i.e. me.
    • May 19: Who is it that keeps calling me “racist” in lieu of learning some facts and formulating an argument? Liberals, of course! Fucking liberals! Source of all that sucks! To be precise, fucking white-hating, fucking immigration-loving, fucking minority-worshiping fucking liberals and their fucking cult of fucking multiculturalism (or NAMBLA).

    The curtain falls.

    UNAMUSED: That was exciting.

    GRATUITOUS FRENCH GIRL: It sure was!

    UNAMUSED and GRATUITOUS FRENCH GIRL, both slightly sticky, struggle to catch their breath.

    UNAMUSED: Hey, G.F.G.? You’ve got some chocolate sauce on your ear. And your mouth. And your breasts. And… elsewhere.

    GRATUITOUS FRENCH GIRL: Hee hee hee. So do you!

    UNAMUSED: That’s what we get for giving the chocolate syrup bottle to the sluts. We’d better get cleaned up before it hardens.

    GRATUITOUS FRENCH GIRL: I’ll do you, zen you can do me.

    UNAMUSED: Huzzah!

    Satisfied with his concoctions, UNAMUSED returns to the podium.

    UNAMUSED: I think we’re ready for the main event. Lights!

    The lights come back on.

    Preparations complete: liquid now red.

    UNAMUSED: I, Professor Unamused of the Unamusement Park Institute of Hatred Studies, or UPIHS, am proud to unveil my latest and most dastardly creation, which I hold in my hand even now! Behold, the amazing, the inimitable, the stupefyingly powerful —

    FILE NOT FOUND.

    UNAMUSED: Aw, what a shame. Someone has deleted the evidence. I guess we’ll never know how this cataclysmic catastrophe came about.

    GRATUITOUS FRENCH GIRL: You are a big fat cheater.

    UNAMUSED: True. Well, we used up all the chocolate syrup, you’re completely wasted on croissants, our visitor thinks we’re all nuts, and someone blew up the main Hate Laboratory —

    GRATUITOUS FRENCH GIRL: I believe zat was you, alzough admittedly I cannot prove zis.

    UNAMUSED: — but nevertheless, in light of the chocolatey denouement, I’m going to go ahead and call our four-month anniversary hate-tacular a roaring success!

    GRATUITOUS FRENCH GIRL: Huzzah!

    UNAMUSED: Keep licking.

    Read Full Post »

    It’s that time of the month again — no, not that time, the good time: time for Unamusement Park’s three-month anniversary spectacular! Hurray! Or should I say… Unamusement Park’s three-month anniversary slut-tacular. Hurray again! Hurray for sluts!

    We like sluts!

    You thought I’d forgotten, didn’t you? You silly goose.

    I feel the need... the need for sluts.

    This is a day I’ll remember forever, like the first time I lied to get sex (“I love you too”), or the first time I took advantage of a drunk girl (“close your eyes, open your mouth, and take off your top — there’s something I want to tell you”).

    April is the sluttiest month, and the last nine days of March are pretty slutty too

    Tonight we commemorate the founding of Unamusement Park, surely a pivotal moment in women’s history. Bigger than Roe v. Wade. Bigger than suffrage. Bigger than the invention of the push-up bra. Bigger even than the first time a man said: “Hey, you know what would be great? If only there was some way we could oppress all women forever… with our dicks.” So put on some clothes, wipe off your face, and take my hand, as we look back on some of the slut-tastic hate-erosexual experiences we’ve shared and you’ve later regretted, you dirty little girl.

    • As part of the previous anniversary celebration here at Unamusement Park, I dispatched my crack squad of Research Assistants into the field to collect data on a disturbing cultural trend: stupidity levels, already unsustainably high since the late 90s, are still rising.
    • There’s a whole new world of psychology research, a new fantastic point of view on race differences in intelligence. No one can tell us no, or where to go, or say we’re only dreaming. I’m like a shooting star: I’ve come so far, I can’t go back to where I used to be. With respect to behavior genetics, that is.
    • Colorlines: offering solutions to whatever mythical problems today’s minorities are whining about, especially if it’s something white people are doing, like staying in school, getting good grades, not doing drugs, keeping out of jail, or succeeding in life without government handouts.
    • Poor sportsmanship? It’s a reactionary musical extravaganza!
    • One of the peculiarities of our decadent age is the ongoing undeclared War on Hate, which is being waged by the most hateful and malicious elements of our society. Hatred is a five-part documentary on their struggle. Their stupid, useless, confused, evil struggle.
    • Race denialists really don’t think about race. They will do anything to avoid it.
    • They also display a tendency to shoot themselves in the foot. “African blacks don’t have an average IQ of 70,” they crow. “It’s actually 81! That’s only nineteen points (1.3 standard deviations) below the white average!”
    • It’s funny how many people accuse me of being hateful, bigoted, crazy, stupid, or ignorant. Every time they do, I remember the immortal words of Inigo Montoya: “You killed my father. Prepare to die.” Wait, no, that’s not right.
    • Since this is my very first post wholly devoted to the dreadful subject of feminism, I’m going to treat it like spaghetti: throw a bunch of angry sex-conscious women at a wall and see if they stick. No, that’s not quite right. Let’s just say I’m going to strip down my rhetoric, whip out my toolbox of reactionary politics, and shoot my hateful ideas right in their faces. There’s got to be a better metaphor for that…
    • Every time a feminist lies that rape is about power, not sex, and every time she meets useful information with victim-blaming hysteria, she is making the world a little less safe for women. Thanks to feminists, no rape victim will ever forget it wasn’t her fault she was assaulted as she walked home at 3 am, alone, drunk, and wearing her awesome new miniskirt. The man who attacked her was clearly seeking power and control over women. Next week, he’ll probably rape an 80-year-old grandmother at lunch time.
    • You wouldn’t ask a shark to respect your right not to get eaten, would you? Don’t ask rapists to respect your right not to get raped. They don’t care. That’s what makes them rapists. Just stay away from them.
    • You can determine race with 99.86 percent accuracy by looking at gene clusters. You can also determine race by looking at bones. That’s forensic anthropology, or as I like to call it, CSI Serengeti.
    • The truth is, statistically speaking, there is no bias against blacks inherent in the justice system. All the anecdotal evidence in the world won’t change that.
    • “When a true genius appears in the world, you may know him by this sign, that the dunces are all in confederacy against him” (Jonathan Swift).
    • It’s a genetic epic: an Hispanic panic! Are they ethnic or organic? That third rail (of rape responsibility) was galvanic. (I’m manic.)
    • Human Biological Variationa race denialist favorite, “used in virtually every physical anthropology class for undergraduate students in America” — has the following to say about race differences in intelligence: “There is little debate over the average 15-point difference [in IQ] between American blacks and whites…” Research is hard!
    • Madness? THIS. IS. SFORZA.
    • “Fuck this shit,” I hear you say. “Fuck the war, fuck the economy, fuck global warming, and fuck the price of gas. Fuck the Democrats and fuck the Republicans, but especially the fucking Democrats, and especially the fucking Republicans. Fuck Obama, fuck Biden, fuck Boehner ’til he cries. Fuck the radicals liberally. Fuck the libertarians freely. Fuck the socialists according to your needs, and fuck them again according to their abilities.” Anyway, I came up with this thing. I call it compassionate reactionism.
    • I’ve actually been thinking about that a lot lately. Not the fact that I’m a frantic schizoid bum — I came to terms with that long ago. No, I mean I’ve been thinking about ways to take these wonderfully hateful ideas off the Internet, out of my fortified bunker complex in Vermont, and into the light of day. Or rather, into the twilight of Western Civilization.
    • This is not what racism looks like: a scientist gives intelligence tests to some people, then announces he’s found a difference in their average IQs. This is what racism looks like: a high-school dropout shoots some beer bottles with an air rifle, then announces “I hate all the niggers, they like to eat watermelon, and I wish they would just go back to Africa sometime very soon.”

    Was it good for you? ‘Cause it was fucking spectacular for me.

    The first annual Most Retarded Race Denialist award

    Unamusement Park would not be possible — actually, it would be possible, but a whole lot less fun for me, if not for the generous contributions of random Internet losers, who have donated their ignorant, inconsistent, idiotic opinions to fuel my white-hot white rage and give me something to make fun of when I can’t think of anything substantial to write. Which is nearly always.

    On this day, these men shall be honored for their generosity in the only truly appropriate way: by first insulting, then ignoring them.

    Wise words. But this past month, some of those random Internet losers have been so stupefyingly ignorant, so consistently inconsistent, and so unbelievably idiotic that they’ve earned some individual recognition. To that end, I am introducing Unamusement Park’s first award, to be presented annually to the most retarded race denialist: the annual Most Retarded Race Denialist award!

    The nominees are: anyone, absolutely anyone, who believes at least one of the following retarded things:

    1. Race is a social construct.
    2. Race is not biological.
    3. Race is only skin deep.
    4. Diversity is a strength.
    5. Black people are just as smart as white people (and Asians).

    Without further ado, I proudly present the first annual Most Retarded Race Denialist award to… all of them! They’re all the most retarded! Hurray!

    By popular demand: a slutty slut acting slutty!

    We turn now to a slutty slut acting slutty, to hear her slutty thoughts on Unamusement Park’s three-month anniversary slut-tacular, or as I like to call it, “International Touch-a-Sleeping-Girl’s-Boobs Day.”

    I miss my gratuitous French girl, but she has far too much self-respect to appear in the slut-tacular.

    Take it away, you slutty slut.

    “Oh my God, I haven’t been fucked in hours. I can’t think straight. I can’t even see straight. Someone, anyone, please stick your cock in me. You!”

    Me?

    “Yeah, you: the blurry guy with the turnips, wearing the ‘I Hate Black People’ t-shirt. I need you to fuck me. Now.”

    … Seriously?

    “Do I look like I’m kidding? This is a medical emergency! I. Need. Cock.”

    Uh… wow. Hehe, are you at least going to buy me dinner f—

    “Shut the fuck up. Take off your pants.”

    Hey, what are you — those are my — oh fuck. Guys, stop the tape. Get out of here.

    “No, it’s cool. They can stay.”

    No, seriously, stop the —

    We close on the satisfied moaning and gentle slurping noises of a slutty slut an empowered, sex-positive woman doing what she does best.

    “Stop narrating.”

    Read Full Post »

    “Minorities struggle with racism every single day of their lives,” the sensitivity trainer explains at the start of your mandatory annual Sensitivity Seminar. “You can’t see always it, because it’s so deeply ingrained in our institutions, and your white privilege is blinding you to their suffering. But there’s no denying it: the proof is in the statistics. Minority students are falling behind in school.” Somehow you doubt he’s talking about Asians. “They’re under-represented in science and engineering. They’re being sent to prison instead of college. There’s no other explanation.”

    What do you say?

    “Homophobes!” Your brother-in-law, the environmentalist lawyer, exclaims over dinner. “They’re just a bunch of right-wing fundamentalist homophobes. Why won’t they give up their hatred and let gay people marry each other, already? Straight people can get married — whatever happened to equal rights? How can they talk about ‘preserving the sanctity of marriage,’ when half of all marriages end in divorce?”

    What do you say?

    “Why don’t you take an interest in real issues that matter to real people?” Your girlfriend wants to know when you get home. “Did you know that women still make 70 cents for every dollar a man makes? Or was it 80… Anyway, one in four women will get sexually assaulted in her lifetime! Doesn’t that mean anything to you? Do you think it’s okay that cops are telling us we deserve to get raped because of how we dress? Society is afraid of women’s sexuality! Now are you going to drive me to the Slut Walk tomorrow or not? You know I don’t have a car, and I’m afraid to go alone.”

    What do you say?

    Okay, that last one is easy: “Did you flood my toilet?” Then, without waiting for an answer: “Bring the movies.” (Game: I’m doing it right.)

    I was going to upload a picture of my ex, but I decided to just Google "slut" instead. There is an uncanny resemblance here, though.

    Constructive criticism

    Fellow reactionists (whatever that means), it has been brought to my attention that

    1. it’s impossible to have this conversation in the real world, so nothing I write here at Unamusement Park will ever get any further than your computer screen;
    2. very soon the raging dark masses and government thought-crime enforcers will snuff us out for good; and furthermore
    3. I am a mangled smelly bug-eyed bum.

    WILL DEBUNK RACE DENIALISM FOR FOOD

    Fair enough. I’ve actually been thinking about that a lot lately. Not the fact that I’m a frantic schizoid bum — I came to terms with that long ago. No, I mean I’ve been thinking about ways to take these wonderfully hateful ideas off the Internet, out of my fortified bunker complex in Vermont, and into the light of day. Or rather, into the twilight of Western Civilization.

    But it’s cozy in my bunker!

    Compassionate reactionism: it’s a thing now. I’m not exactly sure what thing it is, but that’s obviously not going to stop me from talking about it at great length.

    It’s like ordinary reactionism, only… slightly less hateful. It’s reactionism you can talk about over tea with Grandma.

    By my definition, compassionate reactionism comprises all possible honest answers to the question I posed in the introduction — what do you say? — that will not get you fired by your boss, disowned by your family, or dumped by your hypothetical girlfriend. I’m kidding about the girlfriend — you should just let that one go — but I’m semi-serious about the concept, which is the most serious I ever get about anything.

    Really, what can you tell your family, your friends, your co-workers? Having none myself, I am in no position to answer. (I was raised by wolves, learned English from reading cereal boxes, and make a living selling turnips I grow behind my bunker.)

    Vermont is turnip country.

    On Stranger Tides

    In my first post on the subject, you’ll find grains of truth, kernels of ideas, mixed nuts of sensible suggestions: it’s nice you’re a feminist, but your ideas about rape are endangering women, for instance, or I understand that you believe you’re a gay woman in a straight man’s body, but you still can’t shower with the “other” girls. That’s the direction we’re heading.

    Bear in mind, we’re in uncharted waters here. Already we have sailed into the eye of the feminist storm to battle the man-hating man-eating Kraken that lurks within. We have resisted the Siren song of the sexy sluts, not to mention their incessant wordplay about “getting wet.” We have even waded through the rank, candiru-infested swamps of gender identity. Tomorrow, reactionary rapier in hand, we turn our cannons of compassion on the rowboat of race relations, fearless even in the face of certain death! By which I mean, someone is certain to brand us with the dreaded R-word.

    Or should I say, the dreaded arrrrrrrr-word. Hee hee.

    Yeah, we got into a whole pirate thing there. Not sure how that happened, but I'm quite pleased it did.

    Read Full Post »

    Repent.

    My opinion of the modern world is best illustrated by these words.

    Turning and turning in the widening gyre
    The falcon cannot hear the falconer;
    Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold;
    Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world,
    The blood-dimmed tide is loosed, and everywhere
    The ceremony of innocence is drowned;
    The best lack all conviction, while the worst
    Are full of passionate intensity.

    Yeats, “The Second Coming”

    My opinion of the modern world is second best illustrated by these words.

    A man is lying on the street, some punk has chopped off his head,
    And I’m the only one who stops to see if he’s dead.
    Turns out he’s dead.
    That’s why I’m singing:
    Oooooo, what is wrong with the world today?
    (What’s wrong with the world today?
    <mumble mumble mumble mumble mumble>)

    Flight of the Conchords, “Issues (Think About It)”

    With all these gyres widening, innocence ceremonies drowning, and blood-dimmed tides on the loose, it is easy to become disheartened, bitter, homicidal, or glum.

    “Fuck this shit,” I hear you say. “Fuck the war, fuck the economy, fuck global warming, and fuck the price of gas. Fuck the Democrats and fuck the Republicans, but especially the fucking Democrats, and especially the fucking Republicans. Fuck Obama, fuck Biden, fuck Boehner ’til he cries. Fuck the radicals liberally. Fuck the libertarians freely. Fuck the socialists according to your needs, and fuck them again according to their abilities. Fuck the birthers in Hawaii or fuck them in Kenya, it’s all the same to me. Fuck the truthers with an iron-rich sphere. Fuck the relativists and tell them it’s traditional in your country. Fuck the haters, I fucking hate those fucks. Fuck Iraq, fuck Iran; fuck Egypt and Afghanistan. Take a fifteen minute break, then fuck Libya. You know what, fuck every other Middle Eastern shit-hole sand pile, too. Fuck the terrorists. Fuck all the Muslims. Fuck the Arabs and fuck the Jews. Fuck Rachel Corrie with a bulldozer. Fuck the blacks and fuck the Mexicans. Fuck the Asians in the library. Fuck South Africa until they bring back apartheid. Fuck the feminists and make them call you ‘daddy.’ Fuck the Conscious Men, and hey, Dear Woman: Fuck You Too. Fuck the sluts, they’re asking for it. Fuck the betas. (Someone’s got to do it.) Fuck the lesbians straight and fuck the straight girls bi. Fuck the bi girls, they’re crazy in the sack. And while you’re at it, fuck the crazy girls too. Fuck the rapists before they fuck you. Fuck cancer, fuck AIDS, fuck herpes, and fuck swine flu. Fuck the criminals and fuck the police. Fuck mom and dad, they don’t fucking understand you anyway. Fuck Bristol Palin and get her pregnant with another retarded baby. (Or was it Sarah? Ah, fuck it.) Fuck Rebecca Black. Fuck her on Thursday, Thursday. Fuck her again on Friday, Friday. Tomorrow is fucking Saturday, and fucking Sunday comes afterward. You know what? Fuck ’em all. Fuck me, fuck you, fuck the whole entire world. Go fuck yourself.”

    I understand your frustration, and I respect your enthusiasm (even as I fear your psychotic babbling). But I am here to tell you: fucking is not the answer! We cannot fuck our way out of this predicament. Our generation’s Berlin Walls will not be brought down by our collective jackhammer thrusting, despite the apparent aptness of the metaphor.

    I'm paraphrasing.

    Anyway, I came up with this thing. I call it compassionate reactionism. It’s like ordinary reactionism, only… slightly less hateful. It’s reactionism you can talk about over tea with Grandma. Over the next few days, I will attempt to explain the concept by examples. Hey, it’s not like I’ve got three other series going on already…

    The Compassionate Reactionary on… Feminism

    So you’ve decided women are just as good as men. Maybe better.

    No, definitely better.

    I happen to agree. Girls are soft and they smell nice. That alone guarantees their superiority. Oh, you meant something different. Equality and shit, right? But you’ve already got that.

    Well anyway, I’m happy you’re so strong and empowered and independent and you don’t need a man and your vagina delivers monologues. Why you keep asking for special treatment is a bit of a mystery, but… whatever. We can put that aside for now. I really hope your Ph.D. in Gender Studies is six prime reproductive years well spent. (See how compassionate I am?) However:

    Don’t come crying to me when your feminism meets reality, and reality kicks the shit out of you. This is the kind of thing I’m talking about. (I feel like we’ve been over this before, albeit in an altogether less compassionate way.)

    If you drink and drug yourself into a stupor and wake up in a strange bed with a hangover, a tattoo, a bad case of crabs, and a whole lot of regret, you don’t get to wash away your culpability (or your crabs) by declaring yourself a rape victim. Light all the candles you want. That’s one night you can’t take back.

    You say you have a right to not get raped. At first glance, this appears to be a true statement. However, your behavior has lead me to believe you have confused “right to not get raped” with “indestructible barrier protecting your vagina (etc.) at all times and in all places, allowing you to do exactly as you please without any consequences.”

    The thing about rapists is: they don't need an invitation.

    You say there’s a sexual double standard. I believe you. You’re still a slut, and I still don’t respect you. I’m sorry if I’m not sufficiently empowering you, but you just aren’t relationship material. Now flip over.

    No, I don’t have a condom. That’s why we gave you abortion rights, isn’t it?

    The Compassionate Reactionary on… Gender

    So you’re dissatisfied your genitals. Hey, who isn’t?

    But you… you take it further than most. You’ve decided you’re a woman in a man’s body, or a man in a woman’s body, or maybe even a gay man in a straight woman’s body. Something crazy like that. Sorry, I didn’t mean to imply you were mentally ill.

    mental disorder (noun): a mental or bodily condition marked primarily by sufficient disorganization of personality, mind, and emotions to seriously impair the normal psychological functioning of the individual

    Anyway, you’re not happy with how nature identified you, meaning what’s between your legs, so you’re self-identifying as something else. That’s nice. I hope your decision makes you happy. (See how supportive I’m being?) However:

    You can’t tell me what you are. This is the kind of thing I’m talking about.

    Well, you can tell me, but that doesn’t mean I have to believe you. I’m going to identify you however I like. Probably by how you look. If you don’t like it, don’t talk to me. Definitely don’t try to date me. Because if you look like a guy and talk like a guy but you say you’re a pretty little girl on the inside, well… I’m not going inside to check, if you know what I mean. Maybe your dick self-identifies as pussy, but mine doesn’t buy it.

    Natalie Portman: 100 percent irrelevant. If you had just Googled "transgender," you would understand why I need this image right now.

    You’ve got your freedom of association, so don’t associate with me — by which I mean, don’t try to fuck me. But I’ve got my freedom of thought and freedom of speech, so don’t try to fuck with me either.

    Don’t worry. I’m just getting started.

    Read Full Post »

    Originally posted at In Mala Fide.

    As many of my readers can attest, sometimes it’s a real drag being an endlessly talented, stunningly attractive, impeccably dressed, impossibly brilliant über-alpha living in a world of worker bees.

    Tell me about it.

    Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy the heck out of it most days. It’s just that it makes debating an exercise in frustration. When you’re ten thousand times cleverer than your opponents, there simply isn’t much sport in proving them wrong. So, to level the playing field a little and add a modicum of challenge, I’ve decided that today I will rebut them in song form.

    It’s a reactionary musical extravaganza!

    Act I

    No Bells Curve Here (April 1996): “a new study by researchers at Columbia and Northwestern Universities suggests that poverty and early learning opportunities — not race — account for the gap in IQ scores between blacks and whites. … Adjustments for socioeconomic conditions almost completely eliminate differences in IQ scores between black and white children, according to the study’s co-investigators.”

    The IQ Gap
    If you want to measure factors
    Like environmental actors,
    Then ignoring DNA’s the greatest sin.
    In controlling for the gene,
    Just as on the dating scene,
    It’s better when she brings along her twin.

    Act II

    Letter about Hispanic Students in Glendale Spurs Controversy (March 2011): “I asked the students why they refused to say the Pledge of Allegiance and they responded by saying, ‘we are Mexicans and Americans stole our land.’ … Most of them stated they were in the country illegally, White Americans are racist, and that they came here for a better life.”

    Immigrants
    If our white majority nation
    Has so much discrimination,
    Let me float a plan to help the NAMs* survive:
    Line them up, in any order,
    Send them south across the border —
    Hispanics can’t be racist, so they’ll thrive!

    *Non-Asian Minorities: blacks and Hispanics.

    Act III

    UCLA Student’s YouTube Video ‘Asians in the Library’ Prompts Death Threats; Violent Responses Criticized As Equally Damaging (March 2011): “A UCLA student has received multiple death threats in response to her video ‘Asians in the Library,’ which was posted Friday. … Speaking Sunday night, a university spokesman called the video ‘repugnant.'” The (highly entertaining) video may be found here.

    Asians in the Library
    The Asian horde informs me: UCLA is full of hate.
    They cry for social justice — well, they cry, at any rate.
    A white girl hurt their feelings — “assimilate”? How cruel!
    Thank God the campus thought police could force her out of school.

    Intermission

    Random heckler: “Level the playing field with Bulworth’s advice: everyone has to fuck everyone else until we’re all the same color. I’ll take a Halle Berry or a Jessica Alba… [racist ranting].”

    Ad-lib
    Despite your moral clucking
    About race quotas for fucking,
    You think that hating white folk is all right.
    And it’s just a little scary
    That you plan on “taking” Berry:
    You’d double white-on-black rape overnight!

    Act IV

    Why Do Parents Let Their Daughters Dress Like Sluts? (March 2011): “We are the first moms in history to have grown up with widely available birth control, the first who didn’t have to worry about getting knocked up. [And now] scads of us don’t know how to teach our own sons and daughters not to give away their bodies so readily. We’re embarrassed, and we don’t want to be, God forbid, hypocrites.”

    The Sexual Revolution
    A man prefers his woman to be chaste,
    So a tramp who spreads so readily is just the biggest waste.
    Now, she might suffice tonight, because he knows she loves to screw,
    But she’s a temporary hole until he finds somebody new.

    Act V

    Beat Whitey Night (August 2010): “Over the weekend, mobs of Black youths roamed the Iowa State Fairgrounds and randomly assaulted White attendees in what was openly called ‘Beat Whitey Night.’ … Rep. Ako Abdul-Samad (D-Des Moines) said he ‘doesn’t have enough information’ to determine whether or not the attacks were racially motivated.” More here, and a similar story here.

    Hate Crimes
    There’s gangs of thugs who base
    All their violence on your race.
    A clearer case of hatred, you can’t name.
    When these racist whites attack —
    Wait, you’re telling me they’re black?
    I take it back, those kids can’t be to blame!

    Appendix: The IQ Gap Revisited

    Lest the audience go home dissatisfied with the depth of my musical analysis, I will mention my previous rebuttals — in the more conventional prose form — of IQ gap denialism’s greatest hits: Income and IQ and Your ideas are stupid and so are you (part 2).

    (Do musicals even have appendices?)

    Read Full Post »

    Today the Internet’s #1 source for racial blasphemy and incitement to genocide turns two months old. You can’t see it from where you’re sitting, but I just set off three thousand fireworks —

    — in the general direction of a black orphanage.

    Hooray!

    Sadly, one of those months was February, the shortest and therefore gayest month. Why do you think we let black people have it? Twenty-eight days of black history is enough, thank you. And don’t even get me started on leap years. Last time I swear they tried to come up with a new civil rights hero to fill in the extra day. Her name was Posa Rarks and she refused to sit on the back of a tandem bicycle.

    I feel somewhat like a cat who’s just had his birthday cake confiscated. The only thing that could make me feel better would be a picture of exactly that, but where would I possibly —

    ALL BETTER!

    I feel for you, Birthday lol-Cat. I really do.

    Birth of a Blog: The First Two Glorious Months: A Retrospective

    Let us now commemorate this monumental event in the history of race relations — bigger than I have a dream; bigger than the Emancipation Proclamation; bigger even than the first time someone said: “Hey, you know what would be great? If black people did our jobs for free.” Here are some of the good times we’ve shared and fond memories we’ve made together, you ungrateful shitheads.

    • Welcome to the Politics of Equality. It’s not science, and it’s ruining everybody’s shit.
    • Savage beating, torture, rape, and murder — or, as the black defendant puts it, “rough fantasy sex.”
    • I hear there’s a bunch of crazies living in caves, sticking bombs in their underwear in between jerking off to 72 wide-eyed, non-menstruating virgins. Oh yeah, and they want to take over the world.
    • If my mother were starving, I would care enough to do something about it. If her mother were starving, I would still do something about it, but I’d complain a lot and make her feel guilty. If my mother’s cat were starving, I’d be all over that situation — shit would get done.
    • Your horoscope: while pondering a Zen koan, you will become disoriented and aroused, and fall down an open manhole. On the way down, your engorged member will ensnare a ripe strawberry, which will taste unusually good.
    • Turns out there’s no reproductive advantage to getting mad about a little girl-on-girl action. God bless you, science.
    • If I were a racist, I wouldn’t stand here debating with you. I’d just call you a “nigger-lover” and get on with my day.
    • Fighting the national epidemic of rabid woodchucks mauling picnickers.
    • This conversation doesn’t end with me saying “and so you see, that’s why Hitler was so cool.” I don’t get my statistics from a little-known appendix to The Turner Diaries.
    • A black woman has been convicted of tampering with records, for doing nothing more than tampering with records? It’s the next Posa Rarks!
    • Your emotional response to an idea tells us nothing about that idea’s validity — unless of course the idea was that people never get offended by ideas.
    • Yes, yes. Your awed silence and slack-jawed dribbling are quite appropriate for the magnitude of my genius.
    • The NBA is obviously discriminating against Asians, who as everyone knows are just as athletically gifted as — oh, wait. It sounds incredibly stupid when I put it that way.
    • Fanatical anti-white bigot Tim Wise makes his first (but sadly not last) appearance.
    • “Oh Unamused, you sexy devil. I bet you’re just trying to steal all the mayonnaise sandwiches in the world and seal them up in a giant climate-controlled mayonnaise sandwich vault under Lake Michigan where no one can get at them.”
    • White people are smart, responsible, polite, peaceful, and law abiding, beautiful, inventive, artistic, and nice to all the other races! Why not be nice back?
    • People are like noodles: they both stick together, they both taste delicious, and they’re both racist.
    • Happy Valentine’s Day! Go fuck your hot cousin!
    • I’m such a sucker for French girls and their je ne sais quoi’s and their voulez-vous couchez avec moi’s and their penchant pour les blowjobs.
    • Sluts and players, feminists and faggots, shrieking harpies and supplicating eunuchs. Oh, my!
    • If you want to really cash in on the diversity sweepstakes, you should say your child is a black/black/black/gay/crippled/black hermaphrodite. Kid’s gonna get teased some, though.
    • The “logic” of gun control would make Aristotle weep. Apparently, soooo many criminals are using guns against defenseless victims that we, uh — we can’t allow citizens to carry guns.
    • Unamusement Park is your source for all French things, including hot girls, typical and ordinary girls, hot “fuks,” sexy “grels,” women’s faces, traditional dresses, ethnic heritage, and of course… boobs.
    • “I demanded to be transferred at once to an exotic particle physics research facility in a cooler climate where I would not be subjected to a continuous barrage of monsoons, tidal waves, sunstroke, tropical skin diseases, and the incursions of those abominable monkeys.” (Not Japan.)
    • Maybe whites won’t need that race war after all! Awwwwww. Now I’m a sad panda bear — the least racist of all bears!
    • Tonight: poor, helpless racial minorities and the good, liberal whites who fuck them.
    • A rather unfortunate catastrophic total failure of the reactor’s containment shields. (Not Japan.)
    • Bullshit nonsense gibberish like “critical race theory” and “critical white studies” are now considered legitimate fields of research.
    • It’s all pointless. Everything is pointless. Fuck it. [kills self]
    • Isn’t it time the Crusaders Against Racism left their ziggurats and wrenched open some poor woman’s mouth to see if it’s full of racism?
    • We support your right to rainbows and sunshine and kittens, and ice cream for dinner every day!
    • Bowling, speed skating, and the luge: it’s a black-on-white showdown!
    • Your unique environment includes getting in a freak zeppelin accident after winning the lottery.
    • “It’ll lick the salt from my cerebral cortex! Dangle my genitals for Christmas decorations!” (Possibly Japan…)
    • Today’s race-conscious African-American male seeks to overcome historical barriers to inter-racial unions, as well as discriminatory female consent practices.
    • Minorities are our friends with special benefits.
    • If you are a black person arguing for the cognitive superiority of your race, it helps your case if you (a) support your claim with scientific data and coherent argumentation, rather than a plagiarized compilation of remarks by 2,000-year-old architects and 1,300-year-old grammarians; and (b) are capable of spelling three-syllable words correctly.
    • I’m too hateful for your blog, too hateful for your blog, your blog’s going to leave me./I’m too hateful for my shirt, too hateful for my shirt, so hateful it hurts. (Don’t watch this.)

    What glorious months they were! The dizzying highs! The terrifying lows! The creamy middles! The overuse of punctuation! Especially! Exclamation! Marks!

    Who was I arguing with then?

    Unamusement Park would not be possible — actually, it would be possible, but a whole lot less fun for me, if not for the generous contributions of random Internet losers, who have donated their ignorant, inconsistent, idiotic opinions to fuel my white-hot white rage and give me something to make fun of when I can’t think of anything substantial to write. Which is nearly always.

    On this day, these men shall be honored for their generosity in the only truly appropriate way: by first insulting, then ignoring them.

    By popular demand: a gratuitous French girl

    What do you think, gratuitous French girl? Please, share with us your thoughts on Unamusement Park’s two-month anniversary, or as I like to call it, “International Call-a-Random-Black-Person-‘Nigger’ Day.”

    Very gratuitous and extremely French.

    Je pense que — oh, I am so sorry. En Anglais, oui? I believe zat zere is nothing sexier zan a man who can rebut a socioeconomic theory of race differences in intelligence. I would love to give him several hours of — er, you do not have zis word in your language. It is a special secret French sexy thing zat is taught to all our sexiest young girls. It is to regular sex what regular sex is to hammering nails into your face. I will particularly enjoy zis because Unamused has such a huge —”

    Alright, thank you, that’s plenty.

    “But I was just about to tell zem about your enormous —”

    THANK YOU, gratuitous French girl. You can go now.

    “But… you promised me a croissant. May I please have my croissant now?”

    We close on the gentle sounds of a gratuitous French girl nibbling happily on her delicious croissant.

    Read Full Post »

    It all started over at Foseti. Blame him.

    Welcome to the United States of Post-Racial America. Make sure to collect all luggage and small children, and have your passport and seven other forms of TSA-approved photo identification ready for the first of thirteen security checkpoints. After checkpoint one, would all travelers please line up in an orderly fashion for irradiation, enhanced interrogation, and full cavity search. Travelers with a “Religion of Peace” exemption may proceed directly to checkpoint thirteen.

    Please remember that discrimination is illegal at all times and in all places in the United States of Post-Racial America. If you see, hear, suspect, feel, or sense discrimination by a white, male, or heterosexual person, report it immediately to the nearest Diversity Kiosk, located on every street corner in every city. For your convenience, here is a list of examples of unacceptable statements—also known as “hate facts”—and how to correct them.

    For your own safety, of course.

    • UNACCEPTABLE: “Black men just keep raping white women at a ridiculously high rate.”

      ACCEPTABLE: “Today’s race-conscious African-American male seeks to overcome historical barriers to inter-racial unions, as well as discriminatory female consent practices.”

    • UNACCEPTABLE: “There’s black people out there, rioting, looting, and setting fire to grocery stores!”

      ACCEPTABLE: “Although partially blinded by my white privilege, I think I see some oppressed minorities fighting back against institutional racism, seeking social justice through involuntary reparations, and opening a combustion-based dialogue with the Korean community.”

    • UNACCEPTABLE: “Affirmative action and racial quotas are special treatment for minorities.”

      ACCEPTABLE: “Affirmative action and racial quotas are necessary to overcome the legacy of slavery which is still keeping any non-Asian minority from succeeding in Post-Racial America. Besides, white people are all rich, connected, and racially privileged, so the very notion of treating them unfairly is racist and stupid, and you are racist and stupid for saying it.”

    • UNACCEPTABLE: “Black people are different from white people.”

      ACCEPTABLE: “Race does not exist, except black people are better than white people in every way, and white people are all a bunch of racist assholes who deserve to be murdered in their sleep, and their bodies set on fire.”

    • UNACCEPTABLE: “A black woman is being held accountable for her own felonious behavior.”

      ACCEPTABLE: “It’s the next Rosa Parks!”

    • UNACCEPTABLE: “American blacks are not assimilating.”

      ACCEPTABLE: “American blacks are assimilating too much!”

    • UNACCEPTABLE: “President-For-Life and Supreme Ruler Obama is not the greatest leader in the history of the world, the perfect human being, and a living manifestation of the Divine, which is to say the Second Coming of Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.”

      ACCEPTABLE: You figure it out.

    Read Full Post »

    As relevant now as it was in 1986. Via The Market Ticker, here’s a video of Jesse Jackson, Jr., son of famous race-baiting demagogue Jesse Jackson, and U.S. representative for Illinois’ 2nd congressional district, which is majority black, favored Obama over McCain by nine to one, and hasn’t elected a Republican to Congress since 1950.

    In the video, the younger Jackson calls for adding the following “basic rights” to the Constitution of the United States:

    • “the right to a family to have a decent home. . . . What would that do for home construction in this nation?”
    • “the right to medical care. . . . How many doctors would such a right create?”
    • “the right to a decent education for every American. . . . How many people would be put to work . . . providing every student with an iPod and a laptop?”

    Well, I think the problem with his idea is clear: it doesn’t go nearly far enough. Imagine what else we could achieve, if we could only insert more fake rights into the Constitution. What about these basic rights:

    • the right to have a million dollars: how many hobos would be living in luxury?
    • the right to not have cancer: how many tumors would be eradicated?
    • the right to live to a hundred: how many unfairly dead Americans would be resurrected, assuming it applied retroactively?
    • the right to not be a victim of violent crime: how many murderers and robbers and rapists would hang up their guns and knives and . . . whatever special equipment rapists use?
    • the right to not be a victim of racism: how many black people’s problems would be instantly solved?
    • the right to rainbows and sunshine and kittens (and ice cream for dinner every day): how many sad little boys and girls would brush off the clouds and cheer up, put on a happy face?

    The answer to all of these questions is, of course, you’re an idiot.

    Addendum: It’s because he’s black. The child porn had nothing to do with it.

    Jesse Jackson, Jr. has been in office since 1995, when he replaced another black Democrat, Mel Reynolds. How did Reynolds’ career end?

    In August 1994, Reynolds was indicted for sexual assault and criminal sexual abuse for engaging in a sexual relationship with a 16-year-old campaign volunteer that began during the 1992 campaign. Despite the charges, he continued his campaign and was re-elected that November; he had no opposition. Reynolds initially denied the charges, which he claimed were racially motivated.

    Big surprise. However:

    On August 22, 1995, he was convicted on 12 counts of sexual assault [statutory rape], obstruction of justice and solicitation of child pornography.

    And later, bank fraud, wire fraud and perjury, not that it matters to some people.

    He resigned his seat on October 1 of that year.

    But apparently he’s still sore about it:

    Reynolds is still angry that he was mistreated and held to a higher standard because he is black when he was investigated and convicted for sleeping with a teenage campaign worker.

    I can only sigh.

    Read Full Post »

    Everybody’s looking for me

    Recent search engine terms leading to Unamusement Park:

    • white pride: it’s fun for all ages!
    • “achievement gap” iq: you came to the right place.
    • debate tactics of the ignorant: you came to the wrong place.
    • unamused hot girls: part of me hopes this is just a young man (or lady) who’s really into unamused girls. (Nothing gets me harder than a look of disdain.)
    • france hot girls: this might be one of my searches, actually.
    • hot french girl: oh yeah, definitely me.
    • typical french girl: why bother when you could have a hot one? (Most popular search?!)
    • ordinary french girl: I don’t understand you people.
    • hot french fuk: also me.
    • grels france sexy: the sexiest grels come from France.
    • draw me like your french girls: looking for either this or this, I suppose.
    • french woman’s face: just the face? What about the boobs?
    • traditional french dress or dresses: you definitely came to the right place!
    • french women ethnic heritage: honestly, still kinda turns me on.
    • french things: Unamusement Park is your source for all French things, including hot girls, typical and ordinary girls, hot fuks, sexy grels, women’s faces, traditional dresses, ethnic heritage, and of course . . . boobs.
    • sweden hot girl: psh. Sweden.
    • blowjob practice: keep at it honey, you’ll get there soon. Watch the teeth.
    • women give bj: I like to think it’s a question. Posed by a nine-year-old.
    • female soldier blowjob: so . . . this is a thing now.
    • girl on girl uncensored action: exactly twice as popular as jared taylor on jim crow laws (uncensored action).
    • hot girl fucked very hard: you don’t always have to fuck her hard. In fact, sometimes, that’s not right to do.
    • live fucking with hot girls: I’m basically running a porn site now. It’s time I learned to live with it.
    • x hoot fuck sex: I, too, often hoot while I fuck sex.
    • sexy hot anal no: there’s nothing more sexy hot than anal—NO.
    • hot female pussy: the best kind.
    • sexy fuck girls hard cock: a sexy fuck from a girl’s hard cock—wait a minute . . .
    • irish fuck girl: the best kind of Irish girl is an Irish fuck girl—although I suppose the best kind of Irish fuck is an Irish fuck girl, too.
    • india girl beauty fuck: the best kind of India girl fuck is a—never mind.
    • indiagirlfuck: short and to the point.
    • do white girls like indian men: no. They don’t.
    • mauritania girls: I don’t recommend you try this search yourself . . . shudder.
    • thin girls hight 5.6: can only get off with a thin, 5’6″ girl. Join the club, bro.
    • white girl vs asian girl: ah, the ancient rivalry—although, with as many keystrokes, he could have had “white girl on asian girl.” Unamusement Park is your source for search optimization!
    • black girls fucking white men: er . . . to each his own. Different strokes, as they say.
    • femboi: your kind isn’t welcome here.

    Read Full Post »

    Hot white girls

    I got to quit drinking.

    So it was coming up on Valentine’s Day and, being horny and looking forward to meeting some desperate women (I can smell them from miles away), I linked some girls in my post on white pride: Swedish, French, German, Italian, Canadian, and New Zealander, choosing white majority nations more or less at random. I ranked those countries by the number of clicks they got the next day:

    1. German
    2. Swedish
    3. Italian, French, Canadian
    4. New Zealander

    Interestingly enough, this is also my own personal ranking. Or it would be, if I wasn’t such a sucker for French girls and their je ne sais quoi’s and their voulez-vous couchez avec moi’s and their penchant pour les blowjobs (Fuck. Yes.), bumping them up above those sexy Italians and those maple-syrupy Canadians. The expanded ranking system goes like this:

    1. white girls, precedence given to Germany, Sweden, and Switzerland, followed by France and Italy, then anywhere but America, then America
    2. Hispanic and Middle Eastern girls, as long as they look pretty white
    3. East Asian girls, as long as they’re not too Asian
    4. meh . . . obviously-non-white Hispanic and Middle Eastern girls (without the burka)
    5. uh . . . the other brown girls? I guess? Those would be Native American and South Asian—scraping the barrel here a bit
    6. black chicks
    7. fatties

    What can I say? I don’t find black girls attractive. Never have. This has led to some awkward conversations.

    FRIEND: Check out that black girl. She’s cute.

    UNAMUSED: Meh. I guess.

    FRIEND: What are you talking about?

    UNAMUSED: I don’t like black chicks.

    FRIEND?: You’re such a racist.

    UNAMUSED: Don’t make me lynch you.

    FRIEND??: I’m . . . white.

    UNAMUSED: I have the rope right here.

    FRIEND???: But that doesn’t even—

    UNAMUSED: Right. Here.

    Most of my friends seem to think my preferences for women are racist. (Yet we’re still friends—what does that say about them? Fucking racists.) What’s the problem here? I discriminate against fat women, ugly women, old women (meaning over 29), stupid women, really smart women, annoying women, women who bore me, women who don’t put out (bitch), women who give it up too easily (whore), women who only look good when I’m wasted, women who don’t swallow, women who swallow too much (I have a phobia), women who taste funny, women who have slept with my friends (exception: women who have slept with my female friends), and women who aren’t white. Well excuse me for having standards.

    I used to think that a man’s (well, man-child’s) preference for one kind of girl or another was off-limits for political correctness. Sadly, this is no longer the case. Setting aside the most egregious violations of this ancient unwritten law, like the fat acceptance movement and the casual heterophobia of the gay-feminist alliance, it seems to be unacceptable to say “I like girls with pale skin.” How is that worse than liking tan girls? I mean, sure, I go a little further, what with the fanatical bigotry and all, but the principle is the same.

    I also don’t like black music, and have been known to shout words to that effect (“NO BLACK MUSIC”) at social gatherings. Not infrequently.

    Portland

    An anonymous commenter on Steve Sailer’s post on Portland writes

    Awesome, so how about this. Steve Sailer and his white nationalist readers can all migrate to Portland. We’ll get the 20% non-whites there to all agree to leave. From then on, Portland can become the white nationalist Utopia in America. Everyone else will agree that Portland should be 100% white. And finally, Steve Sailer will stop whining like a little bitch over and over and over again. He might even go back to working a normal job and doing something productive for society. Imagine that!

    What a great idea! All the white people (plus the East Asians) who understand how much better off they would be without all these annoying (non-East Asian) minorities can go hang out in Portland! And if there’s too many of us, we can take a few other cities too, like New York, LA, Chicago, Pittsburgh, Miami, Austin . . . actually, you know what? It would be easier to just list the places minorities get to keep:

    • Harlem
    • South Central LA
    • Indian reservations
    • the alley behind my apartment where they sell their drugs
    • federal prison
    • the White House (LOL jk)
    • ?

    Everything else is ours.

    On a serious note, I pray for the day when white people will actually treat minorities the way they claim they’re being treated now.

    Negro: I’m taking it back

    That’s right. I’m taking it back. From now on, I’m not going to call them “people of color” or “blacks” or “African-Americans” or “Nubians” or whatever the fuck else they want to be called. I’m going to call them “Negroes.”

    It’s a perfectly good word. Well, it was good enough for Martin Luther King, Jr., who liked the white girls too—high five bro. Psych! Ooooh got you. Anyway, it’s not as dated as “colored,” and it doesn’t piss people off like “nigger,” which I save for special occasions (street fights, drug deals gone bad, Bar Mitzvahs, receiving awards and commendations). So “Negro” it is.

    I’m even going to capitalize it.

    The Great Obsidian Debate (Part 9,000,000)

    I am pleased to present a complete, unabridged, unedited account of my recent debate with typical, garden-variety Negro internet personality Obsidian on the subject of human biodiversity (HBD):

    OBSIDIAN (O): I am ready to discuss things with you in a calm and dispassionate manner. Your serve.

    UNAMUSED (U): Excellent. Let me begin with this: I respectfully submit that the average black IQ is approximately one standard deviation lower than the average white IQ, a claim which is supported by the following data—

    O: Fuck you! Fucking cracker! I hate all you fucking crackers! White-skin-havin’ motherfuckers!

    U: I don’t follow you, Mr. Obsidian.

    O: Rise up, my black brothers, and kill the crackers wherever you find them! BLACK POWER!

    U: Well now, good sir, I take exception to the tone of this—

    O: Oh, oh, “I take exception to the tone of this—” NIGGA PLEASE. I will RAPE YOUR GRANDMOTHER UNTIL SHE HAS SUPER-AIDS.

    U: Please, Obsidian, let’s keep our respective grandmothers out of this—

    O: I KILL YOU NIGGA.

    U: If the quality of your, er, argumentation does not improve, I’m afraid I’m going to close this debate.

    O: BLAAARRGHGHALLARGHGHHG! HALF-JEW CENSOR A NIGGA! WHITE TERRORISTS AND IRISH PEOPLE, THEY BE KILLIN’ NIGGAS WITH STATE SUPPORT! OBAMA SUPPORTS AFFIRMATIVE ACTION! CLARENCE THOMAS! YOU FUNDED BY THE KKK! THE GLOVE DIDN’T FIT! LOLOL “FAIRNESS” AND “MERIT” LOLOLOLOLOLOLZ! WHITE WOMEN IS SEXUALLY IRRESPONSIBLE SO WHY AIN’T THEM BITCHES SEXUALLY IRRESPONSIBLE WITH ME! ALL SCHOOL SHOOTERS ARE WHITE EXCEPT ONE ASIAN AND ALSO THE ONES WHO ARE BLACK BUT THAT’S JUST RETRIBUTION FOR SLAVERY! PURCHASING STOLEN GOODS IS A CRIME BITCH THAT’S WHY MY MOMMA’S BOYFRIEND IS IN JAIL! BLACK PEOPLE CREATED ALL ART AND BEETHOVEN WAS A BROTHER! I MEAN BROTHA! SEE WHEN I TALK LIKE THAT IT MEANS I’M FROM THE STREET! I HAVE ALL THE BEST COMEBACKS! ANAL RAPE! SUCK MY BLACK COCK YOU WHITE DEVIL! I AM BLACK YODA! RAAAAAAAAAAH!

    Obsidian went on to write out, in full, an apparently improvised and exceptionally graphic novella entitled Me and President Obama kill some crackas [sic] and suck each other’s dicks, in which—no, I’m going to leave it to your imagination. At this point, I deemed the debate unproductive, and closed it. To view Obsidian’s twelve thousand subsequent replies, please visit his website.

    Here is a quiz

    Here it is. I am a Sigma.

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