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Posts Tagged ‘Humor’

It’s that time of the month again — no, not that time, the good time: time for Unamusement Park’s three-month anniversary spectacular! Hurray! Or should I say… Unamusement Park’s three-month anniversary slut-tacular. Hurray again! Hurray for sluts!

We like sluts!

You thought I’d forgotten, didn’t you? You silly goose.

I feel the need... the need for sluts.

This is a day I’ll remember forever, like the first time I lied to get sex (“I love you too”), or the first time I took advantage of a drunk girl (“close your eyes, open your mouth, and take off your top — there’s something I want to tell you”).

April is the sluttiest month, and the last nine days of March are pretty slutty too

Tonight we commemorate the founding of Unamusement Park, surely a pivotal moment in women’s history. Bigger than Roe v. Wade. Bigger than suffrage. Bigger than the invention of the push-up bra. Bigger even than the first time a man said: “Hey, you know what would be great? If only there was some way we could oppress all women forever… with our dicks.” So put on some clothes, wipe off your face, and take my hand, as we look back on some of the slut-tastic hate-erosexual experiences we’ve shared and you’ve later regretted, you dirty little girl.

  • As part of the previous anniversary celebration here at Unamusement Park, I dispatched my crack squad of Research Assistants into the field to collect data on a disturbing cultural trend: stupidity levels, already unsustainably high since the late 90s, are still rising.
  • There’s a whole new world of psychology research, a new fantastic point of view on race differences in intelligence. No one can tell us no, or where to go, or say we’re only dreaming. I’m like a shooting star: I’ve come so far, I can’t go back to where I used to be. With respect to behavior genetics, that is.
  • Colorlines: offering solutions to whatever mythical problems today’s minorities are whining about, especially if it’s something white people are doing, like staying in school, getting good grades, not doing drugs, keeping out of jail, or succeeding in life without government handouts.
  • Poor sportsmanship? It’s a reactionary musical extravaganza!
  • One of the peculiarities of our decadent age is the ongoing undeclared War on Hate, which is being waged by the most hateful and malicious elements of our society. Hatred is a five-part documentary on their struggle. Their stupid, useless, confused, evil struggle.
  • Race denialists really don’t think about race. They will do anything to avoid it.
  • They also display a tendency to shoot themselves in the foot. “African blacks don’t have an average IQ of 70,” they crow. “It’s actually 81! That’s only nineteen points (1.3 standard deviations) below the white average!”
  • It’s funny how many people accuse me of being hateful, bigoted, crazy, stupid, or ignorant. Every time they do, I remember the immortal words of Inigo Montoya: “You killed my father. Prepare to die.” Wait, no, that’s not right.
  • Since this is my very first post wholly devoted to the dreadful subject of feminism, I’m going to treat it like spaghetti: throw a bunch of angry sex-conscious women at a wall and see if they stick. No, that’s not quite right. Let’s just say I’m going to strip down my rhetoric, whip out my toolbox of reactionary politics, and shoot my hateful ideas right in their faces. There’s got to be a better metaphor for that…
  • Every time a feminist lies that rape is about power, not sex, and every time she meets useful information with victim-blaming hysteria, she is making the world a little less safe for women. Thanks to feminists, no rape victim will ever forget it wasn’t her fault she was assaulted as she walked home at 3 am, alone, drunk, and wearing her awesome new miniskirt. The man who attacked her was clearly seeking power and control over women. Next week, he’ll probably rape an 80-year-old grandmother at lunch time.
  • You wouldn’t ask a shark to respect your right not to get eaten, would you? Don’t ask rapists to respect your right not to get raped. They don’t care. That’s what makes them rapists. Just stay away from them.
  • You can determine race with 99.86 percent accuracy by looking at gene clusters. You can also determine race by looking at bones. That’s forensic anthropology, or as I like to call it, CSI Serengeti.
  • The truth is, statistically speaking, there is no bias against blacks inherent in the justice system. All the anecdotal evidence in the world won’t change that.
  • “When a true genius appears in the world, you may know him by this sign, that the dunces are all in confederacy against him” (Jonathan Swift).
  • It’s a genetic epic: an Hispanic panic! Are they ethnic or organic? That third rail (of rape responsibility) was galvanic. (I’m manic.)
  • Human Biological Variationa race denialist favorite, “used in virtually every physical anthropology class for undergraduate students in America” — has the following to say about race differences in intelligence: “There is little debate over the average 15-point difference [in IQ] between American blacks and whites…” Research is hard!
  • Madness? THIS. IS. SFORZA.
  • “Fuck this shit,” I hear you say. “Fuck the war, fuck the economy, fuck global warming, and fuck the price of gas. Fuck the Democrats and fuck the Republicans, but especially the fucking Democrats, and especially the fucking Republicans. Fuck Obama, fuck Biden, fuck Boehner ’til he cries. Fuck the radicals liberally. Fuck the libertarians freely. Fuck the socialists according to your needs, and fuck them again according to their abilities.” Anyway, I came up with this thing. I call it compassionate reactionism.
  • I’ve actually been thinking about that a lot lately. Not the fact that I’m a frantic schizoid bum — I came to terms with that long ago. No, I mean I’ve been thinking about ways to take these wonderfully hateful ideas off the Internet, out of my fortified bunker complex in Vermont, and into the light of day. Or rather, into the twilight of Western Civilization.
  • This is not what racism looks like: a scientist gives intelligence tests to some people, then announces he’s found a difference in their average IQs. This is what racism looks like: a high-school dropout shoots some beer bottles with an air rifle, then announces “I hate all the niggers, they like to eat watermelon, and I wish they would just go back to Africa sometime very soon.”

Was it good for you? ‘Cause it was fucking spectacular for me.

The first annual Most Retarded Race Denialist award

Unamusement Park would not be possible — actually, it would be possible, but a whole lot less fun for me, if not for the generous contributions of random Internet losers, who have donated their ignorant, inconsistent, idiotic opinions to fuel my white-hot white rage and give me something to make fun of when I can’t think of anything substantial to write. Which is nearly always.

On this day, these men shall be honored for their generosity in the only truly appropriate way: by first insulting, then ignoring them.

Wise words. But this past month, some of those random Internet losers have been so stupefyingly ignorant, so consistently inconsistent, and so unbelievably idiotic that they’ve earned some individual recognition. To that end, I am introducing Unamusement Park’s first award, to be presented annually to the most retarded race denialist: the annual Most Retarded Race Denialist award!

The nominees are: anyone, absolutely anyone, who believes at least one of the following retarded things:

  1. Race is a social construct.
  2. Race is not biological.
  3. Race is only skin deep.
  4. Diversity is a strength.
  5. Black people are just as smart as white people (and Asians).

Without further ado, I proudly present the first annual Most Retarded Race Denialist award to… all of them! They’re all the most retarded! Hurray!

By popular demand: a slutty slut acting slutty!

We turn now to a slutty slut acting slutty, to hear her slutty thoughts on Unamusement Park’s three-month anniversary slut-tacular, or as I like to call it, “International Touch-a-Sleeping-Girl’s-Boobs Day.”

I miss my gratuitous French girl, but she has far too much self-respect to appear in the slut-tacular.

Take it away, you slutty slut.

“Oh my God, I haven’t been fucked in hours. I can’t think straight. I can’t even see straight. Someone, anyone, please stick your cock in me. You!”

Me?

“Yeah, you: the blurry guy with the turnips, wearing the ‘I Hate Black People’ t-shirt. I need you to fuck me. Now.”

… Seriously?

“Do I look like I’m kidding? This is a medical emergency! I. Need. Cock.”

Uh… wow. Hehe, are you at least going to buy me dinner f—

“Shut the fuck up. Take off your pants.”

Hey, what are you — those are my — oh fuck. Guys, stop the tape. Get out of here.

“No, it’s cool. They can stay.”

No, seriously, stop the —

We close on the satisfied moaning and gentle slurping noises of a slutty slut an empowered, sex-positive woman doing what she does best.

“Stop narrating.”

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Hatred is Unamusement Park’s ongoing five-part documentary on the War on Hate, a war which — strangely enough — is being waged by the most hateful and malicious elements of our society. Last time we considered the strange case of John Derbyshire, whose thoughtful remarks on race differences in intelligence were interpreted as a “Racism 101” lecture delivered by a “white supremacist,” illustrating the stupidity — as well as the hatred and malice — of the so-called “anti”-racists, who are actually merely anti-white.

We also stuck our heads into the coma ward of race denialism to check for signs of brain activity in one or two patients. Alas, none were detected.

Fun times were had by all. Today, though… today is going to get ugly. Today, we’re hunting big game. Today, we’ve got bigger fish to fry. Today… another animal metaphor.

Today, we gird our loins for battle, because our loins is the first place that our next target is going to aim for. Today, our fearless documentary crew covers the most vicious, brutal, and ultimately pointless battlefield in the War on Hate.

It's a metaphorical Vietnam, with slightly less drug use. (All due respect to our veterans.)

Today… goddamn it, I’m so excited, I can’t even say it!

FEMINISM

Today we’re talking about girls. Don’t get too excited. For once it’s not gratuitous hot French girls.

"You... you don't want me anymore? I am so sad." :(

Of course we still want you, gratuitous hot French girl. In fact, we’ll desperately need a dose of your European femininity and general sexiness when we’re done here, because today we’re talking about feminist girls.

Since this my very first post wholly devoted to the dreadful subject, I’m going to treat it like spaghetti: throw a bunch of angry sex-conscious women at a wall and see if they stick. No, that’s not quite right. Let’s just say I’m going to strip down my rhetoric, whip out my toolbox of reactionary politics, and shoot my hateful ideas right in their faces.

There’s got to be a better metaphor for that…

Fuck tha Police (not literally)

Our doomed expedition begins at a curious post by feminist blogger iamcharli, entitled “FYI: My Clothes are Not an Invitation to Rape Me” (February 20 2011).

If you haven’t read it about it already, there was a cop from Toronto that recently spoke at a campus safety information session and said women can avoid being sexually assaulted by not dressing like “a slut.”

Indeed he did. A law enforcement officer, whose job it is to protect women from being raped (among other things), pointed out that women may be able to avoid this by not dressing in a manner specifically designed to arouse men. After all, rape is about sex. It’s about a woman (usually) who doesn’t want sex, from a man (usually) who does and is sufficiently motivated to get it anyway; in other words, whose desire for sex with that woman is greater than his fear of injury or prison, and greater than whatever respect for her wishes he might have. So-called slutty dress does not reduce the man’s fears, but it does increase his desire, and very likely reduces his respect as well.

Not saying it should. Just saying it might.

I wonder if I have any images on my hard drive that could illustrate my point…

"I'm not increasing your arousal, am I? I am? Oh NO!" (pouts)

Why, then, are students and staff at Osgoode Hall Law School “demanding an apology and explanation from the Toronto Police Service”, according to the article in the Excalibur? Why are feminists now marching in the streets in a ridiculous protest they’re calling the Toronto SlutWalk?

“I’m appalled by the comment that the police officer has made saying that women should avoid dressing like sluts, and I think it goes to show the inherent misogyny and lack of education,” said Selvasivam, York Federation of Students (YFS) executive.

“I think the officer should be very seriously reprimanded for the comment.”

Misogyny? The word means “the hatred of women by men.” The officer was trying to help women avoid sexual assault. That was his whole reason for being at the campus safety information session. He even knew the risk — in our feminist-loving, hate-hating society — of giving out too much useful information: “I’ve been told I shouldn’t say this,” he said, right before he said it anyway. (Well played, sir.) Who could accuse this man of hating women? Who could be that irrational?

Feminists, that’s who.

As for the officer’s lack of education, he may not have a degree from the Osgoode Hall Law School, but I’m sure he’s familiar with the reality of rape in the city of Toronto. The police aren’t taking these complaints against one of their own seriously, are they?

Toronto police spokesperson Constable Wendy Drummond confirmed the incident has been brought to the attention of senior officials and is currently under investigation.

“[This is] definitely something that we take very seriously. This matter […] has been brought to the attention of our professional standards unit and is something we will be looking into,” she said. … “We are of the position that if these comments were made, it is definitely something that we will [act on],” she added.

Oh.

That slut deserved to get eaten by bears

Do not be alarmed! He is only here to illustrate a point. Not to rape anybody.

Ronda Bessner, Osgoode assistant dean of the Juris Doctor Program, was the information session attendee who contacted the police about the remark, asking for a written apology and an explanation. Perhaps she can explain why.

Bessner argued that such comments make it difficult for victims dealing with sexual assault because they make them feel uncomfortable going to the police for help.

“I think the problem with the constable’s conduct was that he was blaming the victim,” she said.

Blaming the victim? Curious. I suppose if he had told them they can avoid being eaten by bears if they stay out of forests, he would be blaming the victims of bear attacks.

There is a crucial difference between acknowledging a cause and blaming the victim. The officer was acknowledging a cause: women whose outfits are designed to turn men on, are at a higher risk of attracting a rapist; thus their choice of outfit is a partial cause of their rape. If he had wanted to blame some victims, he would have said something like this.

I’m supposed to tell you about how not to get raped or some shit, but I’m not gonna do that. You know why? ‘Cause if you get raped, it’s your own goddamn fault! You were asking for it, with your slutty clothes and your lip gloss and your hair all done up! You wanted it!

[stunned silence]

You all deserve to get raped!

"Slut! SLUT! Feel the wrath of my police-stick, slut!"

iamcharli elaborates on the horrors of victim blaming. “Dear Mr. Officer,” she writes, probably facetiously,

I don’t care if I’m wearing the sluttiest outfit or a skimpy top or if I’m totally naked. [Hot.] What I choose to wear does NOT, by ANY means, give anyone the right to sexually assault me. My clothing or how I act or what I’ve had to drink, doesn’t excuse a man from sexually assaulting me. My slutty outfit is NOT an open invitation for a man to rape me.

Curiouser and curiouser. I searched the article in vain for the part where the officer says “if you wear slutty clothes, you waive your legal right not to be raped.” I thought he was saying, “if you wear slutty clothes, you are more likely to be raped (because of how rapists choose their victims, in my experience as a police officer), and I might not be around to protect you, and all the legal rights in the world aren’t going to mean jack shit if he really, really wants to have sex with you.” Or words to that effect.

I should do one of these campus safety information sessions! I’m so good at informing women.

Consider a naked college girl

At this juncture, I pictured an attractive female college student walking around downtown Toronto naked. I did this for strictly scientific purposes, of course. I imagined her drinking fifteen Cosmos, then walking home alone. Now, I fully agree that her clothing (or lack thereof), how she acts, and what she drinks, don’t excuse any man from sexually assaulting her. Her hypothetical assailant is 100% responsible, legally and morally and ethically and theologically and whatever other ways you can be responsible, for his own actions. And she certainly didn’t send out invitations, open or otherwise, asking for interested rapists to ambush her as she stumbles her way home through various dark alleys and unlit parks.

Nevertheless, I can think of at least three things she did in this scenario that almost certainly increased her chances of being assaulted. I am not blaming the hypothetical naked drunk victim; I am simply acknowledging causes. She had three choices to make, and every time, she chose the one more likely to lead to her assault.

Of course — I think this goes without saying — anyone who assaults her should be punished exactly as if she had worn a snowsuit, drank nothing but vitamin water, and driven home in a tank with Batman riding shotgun and the 82nd Airborne Division as escort. Still, if she had made those choices, it wouldn’t be an issue, would it?

"Let's bring some democracy to these rapists — in the form of flaming-hot death from above." (Again, all due respect...)

Plus, she’d be going home with Batman. That’s got to count for something, right?

Rape: What’s it all about?

Bessner goes on.

“He’s also not making victims feel safe to go to the police. It’s quite astounding that in 2011 that you hear comments like that from a professional.”

Bessner stressed the importance of officers having proper knowledge about sexual assault cases.

“I think it’s really important that the police […] receive appropriate training on sexual assault, so that statements like this are never made and that they understand the dynamics of sexual assault.”

How low does your opinion of women have to be, that you think a police officer recommending modest clothing will scare them away from reporting rape to the police? I thought we were talking about law school students, not children. And the officer seems to understand the real “dynamics of sexual assault” quite well. He just doesn’t buy into the feminist slogans about rape and power.

iamcharli spells it out for us.

Someone needs to take the time to educate this cop about the facts and reasons behind rape. Rape is violent. Rape is not about sex it’s about control and power.

There it is: rape is not about sex, it’s about control and power. Hardly a novel concept: in 1993, the United Nations declared that “rape is an abuse of power and control in which the rapist seeks to humiliate, shame, embarrass, degrade, and terrify the victim.” Fucking an otherwise unobtainable woman? Never even occurred to him, officer! He was too busy with the terrifying and shaming and all that other stuff.

The power theory of rape originated in gender feminist Susan Brownmiller’s 1975 book, Against Our Will, in which she wrote that “[rape] is nothing more or less than a conscious process of intimidation by which all men keep all women in a state of fear” (emphasis in original). Well, that doesn’t sound crazy at all!

Of all the ludicrous left-wing postmodern blank-slate myths, this one is certainly the most dangerous for women, so it should be the first target of attack by feminists, not one of their core beliefs. Steven Pinker demolishes it, and many other myths about sex and gender, in Chapter 18 of The Blank Slate: The Modern Denial of Human Nature.

Think about it. [Oh, if only they would!] First obvious fact: Men often want to have sex with women who don’t want to have sex with them. They use every tactic that one human being uses to affect the behavior of another: wooing, seducing, flattering, deceiving, sulking, and paying. Second obvious fact: Some men use violence to get what they want, indifferent to the suffering they cause. …

A rapist always risks injury at the hands of the woman defending herself. In a traditional society, he risks torture, mutilation, and death at the hands of her relatives. In a modern society, he risks a long prison term. [Score one for traditional society.] Are rapists really assuming these risks as an altruistic sacrifice to benefit the billions of strangers that make up the male gender? … If [encouraging rape to consciously keep women down] were men’s tactic, why would they have made rape a crime in the first place?

He goes on — it wouldn’t be necessary in a sane world, of course, but Pinker knows we don’t live in one — to prove that rape is not, in fact, about power or control. It really is about sex. For one thing,

date rape is a particularly problematic case for the not-sex theory. Most people agree that women have the right to say no at any point during sexual activity, and that if the man persists he is a rapist — but should we also believe that his motive has instantaneously changed from wanting sex to oppressing women?

"I want to have sex with you, but if you say no, I will stop wanting sex, and start wanting to oppress all women everywhere... which, coincidentally, I will accomplish by having sex with you." Makes sense to me.

It’s difficult not to type out the whole damn chapter and list the many sources it cites, but that would make my own half-baked ideas unnecessary, and we can’t have that. Anyway, I highly recommend the book, and not just for feminists.

When I’m sexually aroused, I become an uncontrollable werewolf

Of all iamcharli’s baffling remarks, this is perhaps the most baffling of all. The bafflingest, if you will.

Rape is not about what I decide to wear. I’m not sure when we all starting thinking that if a man is sexually aroused he becomes this uncontrollable monster and can’t stop himself. Men are not animals. We should be able to hold them to a higher standard.

Let me spell it out for the feminist who couldn’t be bothered to think rationally about an issue which is hugely important to women. Arousal, fear, respect for women, and all the other things men feel, are not goddamn light switches. Nobody is claiming your slutty clothes are going to switch on his arousal, switch off his fear of injury or prison, and switch off his respect for you, making him “this uncontrollable monster.” They are going to increase his arousal, very likely decrease his respect, and do nothing to his fear of injury or prison — unless, of course, your slutty outfit features a hunting knife and barbed wire accessories, which is not a bad idea at all.

Not likely to be a victim of anything, anywhere, at any time.

Go ahead, hold men to any standard you want. The ancient subroutines in their reptilian hindbrains will whir and spin regardless, and if they hit the right — or rather wrong — combination of hormones and neurotransmitters and… whatever, they are going to attempt to assault you. Yes, I know, this means we don’t have free will. Live with it.

Instead of saying stupid shit like “he’s blaming the victim” and “rape is about power” and “what I choose to wear does not give you the right to sexually assault me,” and marching around town proclaiming how proud you are to be a slut and how you would never give up dressing slutty even if it means making yourself a target for rapists, instead of that, why don’t you try to understand the chain of events that leads to a sexual assault — a chain of events that depends very much on the victim’s appearance and behavior; a chain of events which the police officer whose life you’re destroying is quite familiar with. Then ask yourself how you can avoid it.

This image is not strictly relevant, but can I just say how pleased I am to be talking about this instead of black people?

Manning up

Oh, she’s not done yet. Darn. That would have been a good place to stop.

How can we be ok with a police officer who has taken an oath to upload the law has the audacity to say something as sexist and insulting as, women can help prevent their own sexual assault if they cover up more?

Sexist and insulting — good grief. These words, like misogyny, have lost all meaning. Let’s try her reasoning with other crimes and other designated victim groups.

  • “How can we be OK with a police officer who has taken an oath to upload the law, but has the audacity to say something as sexist and insulting as ‘women can help prevent the theft of their own property if they lock up the house when they leave more’?”
  • “How can we be OK with a police officer who has taken an oath to upload the law, but has the audacity to say something as homophobic and insulting as ‘gay men can help prevent their getting AIDS if they wrap up their dicks more’?”
  • “How can we be OK with a police officer who has taken an oath to upload the law, but has the audacity to say something as racist and insulting as ‘black men can help prevent their own murder if they don’t deal crack cocaine in the ghetto… more’?”

Robbers, rapists, rival crack dealers, and retroviruses: deep down, they’re all just manifestations of a biological imperative, acted out by soulless molecules.

This needs to stop. More men need to man up and be part of the fight to end sexual violence.

Well, I tried. Somehow I don’t think this is what she had in mind.

And now it’s time for me to bid you adieu.

"I noticed you are speaking French. Does zis mean you have forgiven me?" :)

Appendix: Rape statistics

“1 in 4 women will be sexually assaulted in their lifetime,” iamcharli declares. Not this shit again, I silently groan.

There is a great deal of debate about rape statistics. As a rule, anytime someone says “one in three,” “one in five,” or (especially) “one in four,” they’re full of shit. There is no rape epidemic of these proportions. If there were, it would be a national emergency — real apocalyptic martial-law stuff. Those figures do not agree with reality.

I have no desire to discuss rape statistics; it is enough for my thesis that rape of women by men happen, and that it involve sex. Therefore I will merely point out that Heather Mac Donald addresses the myth of campus rape in her appropriately titled article “The Campus Rape Myth.”

Adieu!

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Today the Internet’s #1 source for racial blasphemy and incitement to genocide turns two months old. You can’t see it from where you’re sitting, but I just set off three thousand fireworks —

— in the general direction of a black orphanage.

Hooray!

Sadly, one of those months was February, the shortest and therefore gayest month. Why do you think we let black people have it? Twenty-eight days of black history is enough, thank you. And don’t even get me started on leap years. Last time I swear they tried to come up with a new civil rights hero to fill in the extra day. Her name was Posa Rarks and she refused to sit on the back of a tandem bicycle.

I feel somewhat like a cat who’s just had his birthday cake confiscated. The only thing that could make me feel better would be a picture of exactly that, but where would I possibly —

ALL BETTER!

I feel for you, Birthday lol-Cat. I really do.

Birth of a Blog: The First Two Glorious Months: A Retrospective

Let us now commemorate this monumental event in the history of race relations — bigger than I have a dream; bigger than the Emancipation Proclamation; bigger even than the first time someone said: “Hey, you know what would be great? If black people did our jobs for free.” Here are some of the good times we’ve shared and fond memories we’ve made together, you ungrateful shitheads.

  • Welcome to the Politics of Equality. It’s not science, and it’s ruining everybody’s shit.
  • Savage beating, torture, rape, and murder — or, as the black defendant puts it, “rough fantasy sex.”
  • I hear there’s a bunch of crazies living in caves, sticking bombs in their underwear in between jerking off to 72 wide-eyed, non-menstruating virgins. Oh yeah, and they want to take over the world.
  • If my mother were starving, I would care enough to do something about it. If her mother were starving, I would still do something about it, but I’d complain a lot and make her feel guilty. If my mother’s cat were starving, I’d be all over that situation — shit would get done.
  • Your horoscope: while pondering a Zen koan, you will become disoriented and aroused, and fall down an open manhole. On the way down, your engorged member will ensnare a ripe strawberry, which will taste unusually good.
  • Turns out there’s no reproductive advantage to getting mad about a little girl-on-girl action. God bless you, science.
  • If I were a racist, I wouldn’t stand here debating with you. I’d just call you a “nigger-lover” and get on with my day.
  • Fighting the national epidemic of rabid woodchucks mauling picnickers.
  • This conversation doesn’t end with me saying “and so you see, that’s why Hitler was so cool.” I don’t get my statistics from a little-known appendix to The Turner Diaries.
  • A black woman has been convicted of tampering with records, for doing nothing more than tampering with records? It’s the next Posa Rarks!
  • Your emotional response to an idea tells us nothing about that idea’s validity — unless of course the idea was that people never get offended by ideas.
  • Yes, yes. Your awed silence and slack-jawed dribbling are quite appropriate for the magnitude of my genius.
  • The NBA is obviously discriminating against Asians, who as everyone knows are just as athletically gifted as — oh, wait. It sounds incredibly stupid when I put it that way.
  • Fanatical anti-white bigot Tim Wise makes his first (but sadly not last) appearance.
  • “Oh Unamused, you sexy devil. I bet you’re just trying to steal all the mayonnaise sandwiches in the world and seal them up in a giant climate-controlled mayonnaise sandwich vault under Lake Michigan where no one can get at them.”
  • White people are smart, responsible, polite, peaceful, and law abiding, beautiful, inventive, artistic, and nice to all the other races! Why not be nice back?
  • People are like noodles: they both stick together, they both taste delicious, and they’re both racist.
  • Happy Valentine’s Day! Go fuck your hot cousin!
  • I’m such a sucker for French girls and their je ne sais quoi’s and their voulez-vous couchez avec moi’s and their penchant pour les blowjobs.
  • Sluts and players, feminists and faggots, shrieking harpies and supplicating eunuchs. Oh, my!
  • If you want to really cash in on the diversity sweepstakes, you should say your child is a black/black/black/gay/crippled/black hermaphrodite. Kid’s gonna get teased some, though.
  • The “logic” of gun control would make Aristotle weep. Apparently, soooo many criminals are using guns against defenseless victims that we, uh — we can’t allow citizens to carry guns.
  • Unamusement Park is your source for all French things, including hot girls, typical and ordinary girls, hot “fuks,” sexy “grels,” women’s faces, traditional dresses, ethnic heritage, and of course… boobs.
  • “I demanded to be transferred at once to an exotic particle physics research facility in a cooler climate where I would not be subjected to a continuous barrage of monsoons, tidal waves, sunstroke, tropical skin diseases, and the incursions of those abominable monkeys.” (Not Japan.)
  • Maybe whites won’t need that race war after all! Awwwwww. Now I’m a sad panda bear — the least racist of all bears!
  • Tonight: poor, helpless racial minorities and the good, liberal whites who fuck them.
  • A rather unfortunate catastrophic total failure of the reactor’s containment shields. (Not Japan.)
  • Bullshit nonsense gibberish like “critical race theory” and “critical white studies” are now considered legitimate fields of research.
  • It’s all pointless. Everything is pointless. Fuck it. [kills self]
  • Isn’t it time the Crusaders Against Racism left their ziggurats and wrenched open some poor woman’s mouth to see if it’s full of racism?
  • We support your right to rainbows and sunshine and kittens, and ice cream for dinner every day!
  • Bowling, speed skating, and the luge: it’s a black-on-white showdown!
  • Your unique environment includes getting in a freak zeppelin accident after winning the lottery.
  • “It’ll lick the salt from my cerebral cortex! Dangle my genitals for Christmas decorations!” (Possibly Japan…)
  • Today’s race-conscious African-American male seeks to overcome historical barriers to inter-racial unions, as well as discriminatory female consent practices.
  • Minorities are our friends with special benefits.
  • If you are a black person arguing for the cognitive superiority of your race, it helps your case if you (a) support your claim with scientific data and coherent argumentation, rather than a plagiarized compilation of remarks by 2,000-year-old architects and 1,300-year-old grammarians; and (b) are capable of spelling three-syllable words correctly.
  • I’m too hateful for your blog, too hateful for your blog, your blog’s going to leave me./I’m too hateful for my shirt, too hateful for my shirt, so hateful it hurts. (Don’t watch this.)

What glorious months they were! The dizzying highs! The terrifying lows! The creamy middles! The overuse of punctuation! Especially! Exclamation! Marks!

Who was I arguing with then?

Unamusement Park would not be possible — actually, it would be possible, but a whole lot less fun for me, if not for the generous contributions of random Internet losers, who have donated their ignorant, inconsistent, idiotic opinions to fuel my white-hot white rage and give me something to make fun of when I can’t think of anything substantial to write. Which is nearly always.

On this day, these men shall be honored for their generosity in the only truly appropriate way: by first insulting, then ignoring them.

By popular demand: a gratuitous French girl

What do you think, gratuitous French girl? Please, share with us your thoughts on Unamusement Park’s two-month anniversary, or as I like to call it, “International Call-a-Random-Black-Person-‘Nigger’ Day.”

Very gratuitous and extremely French.

Je pense que — oh, I am so sorry. En Anglais, oui? I believe zat zere is nothing sexier zan a man who can rebut a socioeconomic theory of race differences in intelligence. I would love to give him several hours of — er, you do not have zis word in your language. It is a special secret French sexy thing zat is taught to all our sexiest young girls. It is to regular sex what regular sex is to hammering nails into your face. I will particularly enjoy zis because Unamused has such a huge —”

Alright, thank you, that’s plenty.

“But I was just about to tell zem about your enormous —”

THANK YOU, gratuitous French girl. You can go now.

“But… you promised me a croissant. May I please have my croissant now?”

We close on the gentle sounds of a gratuitous French girl nibbling happily on her delicious croissant.

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It all started over at Foseti. Blame him.

Welcome to the United States of Post-Racial America. Make sure to collect all luggage and small children, and have your passport and seven other forms of TSA-approved photo identification ready for the first of thirteen security checkpoints. After checkpoint one, would all travelers please line up in an orderly fashion for irradiation, enhanced interrogation, and full cavity search. Travelers with a “Religion of Peace” exemption may proceed directly to checkpoint thirteen.

Please remember that discrimination is illegal at all times and in all places in the United States of Post-Racial America. If you see, hear, suspect, feel, or sense discrimination by a white, male, or heterosexual person, report it immediately to the nearest Diversity Kiosk, located on every street corner in every city. For your convenience, here is a list of examples of unacceptable statements—also known as “hate facts”—and how to correct them.

For your own safety, of course.

  • UNACCEPTABLE: “Black men just keep raping white women at a ridiculously high rate.”

    ACCEPTABLE: “Today’s race-conscious African-American male seeks to overcome historical barriers to inter-racial unions, as well as discriminatory female consent practices.”

  • UNACCEPTABLE: “There’s black people out there, rioting, looting, and setting fire to grocery stores!”

    ACCEPTABLE: “Although partially blinded by my white privilege, I think I see some oppressed minorities fighting back against institutional racism, seeking social justice through involuntary reparations, and opening a combustion-based dialogue with the Korean community.”

  • UNACCEPTABLE: “Affirmative action and racial quotas are special treatment for minorities.”

    ACCEPTABLE: “Affirmative action and racial quotas are necessary to overcome the legacy of slavery which is still keeping any non-Asian minority from succeeding in Post-Racial America. Besides, white people are all rich, connected, and racially privileged, so the very notion of treating them unfairly is racist and stupid, and you are racist and stupid for saying it.”

  • UNACCEPTABLE: “Black people are different from white people.”

    ACCEPTABLE: “Race does not exist, except black people are better than white people in every way, and white people are all a bunch of racist assholes who deserve to be murdered in their sleep, and their bodies set on fire.”

  • UNACCEPTABLE: “A black woman is being held accountable for her own felonious behavior.”

    ACCEPTABLE: “It’s the next Rosa Parks!”

  • UNACCEPTABLE: “American blacks are not assimilating.”

    ACCEPTABLE: “American blacks are assimilating too much!”

  • UNACCEPTABLE: “President-For-Life and Supreme Ruler Obama is not the greatest leader in the history of the world, the perfect human being, and a living manifestation of the Divine, which is to say the Second Coming of Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.”

    ACCEPTABLE: You figure it out.

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The Nuclear Contingency has been posted over at the Fiction Quarantine Zone, which (as the name suggests) is where I put my attempts at short fiction. If you came here to read about race and other serious things, feel free to skip.

Anyway the story won’t make sense if you haven’t read parts one and two. (Actually, it probably won’t make sense even if you have.)

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The Midnight Mountain Incident has been posted over at the Fiction Quarantine Zone. Note that it is a sequel, and won’t make sense if you haven’t read part one.

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Quarantine zone

I recently decided to post some of my more serious attempts at creative writing over at the Fiction Quarantine Zone, where the resulting damage can be minimized (links at top and side). The non-fiction and random silliness will continue here, in the main section of Unamusement Park.

Our first installment is a thin slice of insanity I call Reactor Safety Protocols. As always, if you only came here for the virulent racism (and now sexism, too), feel free to skip.

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Everybody’s looking for me

Recent search engine terms leading to Unamusement Park:

  • white pride: it’s fun for all ages!
  • “achievement gap” iq: you came to the right place.
  • debate tactics of the ignorant: you came to the wrong place.
  • unamused hot girls: part of me hopes this is just a young man (or lady) who’s really into unamused girls. (Nothing gets me harder than a look of disdain.)
  • france hot girls: this might be one of my searches, actually.
  • hot french girl: oh yeah, definitely me.
  • typical french girl: why bother when you could have a hot one? (Most popular search?!)
  • ordinary french girl: I don’t understand you people.
  • hot french fuk: also me.
  • grels france sexy: the sexiest grels come from France.
  • draw me like your french girls: looking for either this or this, I suppose.
  • french woman’s face: just the face? What about the boobs?
  • traditional french dress or dresses: you definitely came to the right place!
  • french women ethnic heritage: honestly, still kinda turns me on.
  • french things: Unamusement Park is your source for all French things, including hot girls, typical and ordinary girls, hot fuks, sexy grels, women’s faces, traditional dresses, ethnic heritage, and of course . . . boobs.
  • sweden hot girl: psh. Sweden.
  • blowjob practice: keep at it honey, you’ll get there soon. Watch the teeth.
  • women give bj: I like to think it’s a question. Posed by a nine-year-old.
  • female soldier blowjob: so . . . this is a thing now.
  • girl on girl uncensored action: exactly twice as popular as jared taylor on jim crow laws (uncensored action).
  • hot girl fucked very hard: you don’t always have to fuck her hard. In fact, sometimes, that’s not right to do.
  • live fucking with hot girls: I’m basically running a porn site now. It’s time I learned to live with it.
  • x hoot fuck sex: I, too, often hoot while I fuck sex.
  • sexy hot anal no: there’s nothing more sexy hot than anal—NO.
  • hot female pussy: the best kind.
  • sexy fuck girls hard cock: a sexy fuck from a girl’s hard cock—wait a minute . . .
  • irish fuck girl: the best kind of Irish girl is an Irish fuck girl—although I suppose the best kind of Irish fuck is an Irish fuck girl, too.
  • india girl beauty fuck: the best kind of India girl fuck is a—never mind.
  • indiagirlfuck: short and to the point.
  • do white girls like indian men: no. They don’t.
  • mauritania girls: I don’t recommend you try this search yourself . . . shudder.
  • thin girls hight 5.6: can only get off with a thin, 5’6″ girl. Join the club, bro.
  • white girl vs asian girl: ah, the ancient rivalry—although, with as many keystrokes, he could have had “white girl on asian girl.” Unamusement Park is your source for search optimization!
  • black girls fucking white men: er . . . to each his own. Different strokes, as they say.
  • femboi: your kind isn’t welcome here.

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It’s announcements day.

Unamusement Park is now uncensored for coarse language and nudity (not that there’s any of that). So you can say “fuck” and “shit” all you like, you fucking shitheads. However, use of the word “nigger” is still prohibited.

You n*ggers.

Along those lines, for those of you who missed it, this week’s theme was: Happy Valentine’s Day! Go fuck your hot cousin!

A record number of hits today, almost half of them on one particular post. And a record number of clicks, on one particular French honey. The things I would do to that jolie fille, you cannot imagine.

Hint: they are sex.

So what have we learned?

  1. Call your post “Hot white girls.”
  2. Link a hot French girl.
  3. Profit.

Also make sure Ferdinand Bardamu links you. Thanks, you magnificent bastard.

Speaking of unspeakable things, the little girl with pink hair makes me feel funny. Not in a bad way, I guess . . . just in a weird way. “It’s a piece of cake to bake a pretty cake”—yeah, I know what she really means, but that kind of consent won’t hold up in a court of law, will it? (Dual H/T: Riding with the King and In Mala Fide—you sick fucks.)

Pyrrhic victory: is there any other kind?

Finally, seriously, commenter DKH has some insights on affirmative action:

My company is a consulting engineering firm in Pennsylvania. We are highly qualified in the area of our expertise. We are locked out of nearly all City of Philadelphia work and a significant amount of state work because of the unfair Affirmative Action requirements.

. . . Affirmative Action is being abused today. It is a form of patronage not a form of positive training for minority and women business owners. Look at the statistics in Philadelphia and I suspect you will find that a few companies have become rich in the name of Affirmative Action but only a few have learned to compete in the real business world, moved on and opened a position for the next [Minority Business Enterprise/Woman Business Enterprise] company to have a chance.

As a citizen of this great country and a business owner who employs people in Pennsylvania, I feel it is about time all people and the companies they own are treated equally under the law – even white people!

What can be done? Or am I going to spend my entire working life in a racially outcast class unable to participate in the programs my tax dollars fund?

It’s time to end race-based affirmative action.

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Hot white girls

I got to quit drinking.

So it was coming up on Valentine’s Day and, being horny and looking forward to meeting some desperate women (I can smell them from miles away), I linked some girls in my post on white pride: Swedish, French, German, Italian, Canadian, and New Zealander, choosing white majority nations more or less at random. I ranked those countries by the number of clicks they got the next day:

  1. German
  2. Swedish
  3. Italian, French, Canadian
  4. New Zealander

Interestingly enough, this is also my own personal ranking. Or it would be, if I wasn’t such a sucker for French girls and their je ne sais quoi’s and their voulez-vous couchez avec moi’s and their penchant pour les blowjobs (Fuck. Yes.), bumping them up above those sexy Italians and those maple-syrupy Canadians. The expanded ranking system goes like this:

  1. white girls, precedence given to Germany, Sweden, and Switzerland, followed by France and Italy, then anywhere but America, then America
  2. Hispanic and Middle Eastern girls, as long as they look pretty white
  3. East Asian girls, as long as they’re not too Asian
  4. meh . . . obviously-non-white Hispanic and Middle Eastern girls (without the burka)
  5. uh . . . the other brown girls? I guess? Those would be Native American and South Asian—scraping the barrel here a bit
  6. black chicks
  7. fatties

What can I say? I don’t find black girls attractive. Never have. This has led to some awkward conversations.

FRIEND: Check out that black girl. She’s cute.

UNAMUSED: Meh. I guess.

FRIEND: What are you talking about?

UNAMUSED: I don’t like black chicks.

FRIEND?: You’re such a racist.

UNAMUSED: Don’t make me lynch you.

FRIEND??: I’m . . . white.

UNAMUSED: I have the rope right here.

FRIEND???: But that doesn’t even—

UNAMUSED: Right. Here.

Most of my friends seem to think my preferences for women are racist. (Yet we’re still friends—what does that say about them? Fucking racists.) What’s the problem here? I discriminate against fat women, ugly women, old women (meaning over 29), stupid women, really smart women, annoying women, women who bore me, women who don’t put out (bitch), women who give it up too easily (whore), women who only look good when I’m wasted, women who don’t swallow, women who swallow too much (I have a phobia), women who taste funny, women who have slept with my friends (exception: women who have slept with my female friends), and women who aren’t white. Well excuse me for having standards.

I used to think that a man’s (well, man-child’s) preference for one kind of girl or another was off-limits for political correctness. Sadly, this is no longer the case. Setting aside the most egregious violations of this ancient unwritten law, like the fat acceptance movement and the casual heterophobia of the gay-feminist alliance, it seems to be unacceptable to say “I like girls with pale skin.” How is that worse than liking tan girls? I mean, sure, I go a little further, what with the fanatical bigotry and all, but the principle is the same.

I also don’t like black music, and have been known to shout words to that effect (“NO BLACK MUSIC”) at social gatherings. Not infrequently.

Portland

An anonymous commenter on Steve Sailer’s post on Portland writes

Awesome, so how about this. Steve Sailer and his white nationalist readers can all migrate to Portland. We’ll get the 20% non-whites there to all agree to leave. From then on, Portland can become the white nationalist Utopia in America. Everyone else will agree that Portland should be 100% white. And finally, Steve Sailer will stop whining like a little bitch over and over and over again. He might even go back to working a normal job and doing something productive for society. Imagine that!

What a great idea! All the white people (plus the East Asians) who understand how much better off they would be without all these annoying (non-East Asian) minorities can go hang out in Portland! And if there’s too many of us, we can take a few other cities too, like New York, LA, Chicago, Pittsburgh, Miami, Austin . . . actually, you know what? It would be easier to just list the places minorities get to keep:

  • Harlem
  • South Central LA
  • Indian reservations
  • the alley behind my apartment where they sell their drugs
  • federal prison
  • the White House (LOL jk)
  • ?

Everything else is ours.

On a serious note, I pray for the day when white people will actually treat minorities the way they claim they’re being treated now.

Negro: I’m taking it back

That’s right. I’m taking it back. From now on, I’m not going to call them “people of color” or “blacks” or “African-Americans” or “Nubians” or whatever the fuck else they want to be called. I’m going to call them “Negroes.”

It’s a perfectly good word. Well, it was good enough for Martin Luther King, Jr., who liked the white girls too—high five bro. Psych! Ooooh got you. Anyway, it’s not as dated as “colored,” and it doesn’t piss people off like “nigger,” which I save for special occasions (street fights, drug deals gone bad, Bar Mitzvahs, receiving awards and commendations). So “Negro” it is.

I’m even going to capitalize it.

The Great Obsidian Debate (Part 9,000,000)

I am pleased to present a complete, unabridged, unedited account of my recent debate with typical, garden-variety Negro internet personality Obsidian on the subject of human biodiversity (HBD):

OBSIDIAN (O): I am ready to discuss things with you in a calm and dispassionate manner. Your serve.

UNAMUSED (U): Excellent. Let me begin with this: I respectfully submit that the average black IQ is approximately one standard deviation lower than the average white IQ, a claim which is supported by the following data—

O: Fuck you! Fucking cracker! I hate all you fucking crackers! White-skin-havin’ motherfuckers!

U: I don’t follow you, Mr. Obsidian.

O: Rise up, my black brothers, and kill the crackers wherever you find them! BLACK POWER!

U: Well now, good sir, I take exception to the tone of this—

O: Oh, oh, “I take exception to the tone of this—” NIGGA PLEASE. I will RAPE YOUR GRANDMOTHER UNTIL SHE HAS SUPER-AIDS.

U: Please, Obsidian, let’s keep our respective grandmothers out of this—

O: I KILL YOU NIGGA.

U: If the quality of your, er, argumentation does not improve, I’m afraid I’m going to close this debate.

O: BLAAARRGHGHALLARGHGHHG! HALF-JEW CENSOR A NIGGA! WHITE TERRORISTS AND IRISH PEOPLE, THEY BE KILLIN’ NIGGAS WITH STATE SUPPORT! OBAMA SUPPORTS AFFIRMATIVE ACTION! CLARENCE THOMAS! YOU FUNDED BY THE KKK! THE GLOVE DIDN’T FIT! LOLOL “FAIRNESS” AND “MERIT” LOLOLOLOLOLOLZ! WHITE WOMEN IS SEXUALLY IRRESPONSIBLE SO WHY AIN’T THEM BITCHES SEXUALLY IRRESPONSIBLE WITH ME! ALL SCHOOL SHOOTERS ARE WHITE EXCEPT ONE ASIAN AND ALSO THE ONES WHO ARE BLACK BUT THAT’S JUST RETRIBUTION FOR SLAVERY! PURCHASING STOLEN GOODS IS A CRIME BITCH THAT’S WHY MY MOMMA’S BOYFRIEND IS IN JAIL! BLACK PEOPLE CREATED ALL ART AND BEETHOVEN WAS A BROTHER! I MEAN BROTHA! SEE WHEN I TALK LIKE THAT IT MEANS I’M FROM THE STREET! I HAVE ALL THE BEST COMEBACKS! ANAL RAPE! SUCK MY BLACK COCK YOU WHITE DEVIL! I AM BLACK YODA! RAAAAAAAAAAH!

Obsidian went on to write out, in full, an apparently improvised and exceptionally graphic novella entitled Me and President Obama kill some crackas [sic] and suck each other’s dicks, in which—no, I’m going to leave it to your imagination. At this point, I deemed the debate unproductive, and closed it. To view Obsidian’s twelve thousand subsequent replies, please visit his website.

Here is a quiz

Here it is. I am a Sigma.

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